


The Diary of Sidney Parker

by swalviswriter



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: Gen, Sidney Parker Diaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:35:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 46,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26717614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swalviswriter/pseuds/swalviswriter
Summary: Charlotte and Sidney are eagerly awaiting their first child before Christmas. Right after Michaelmas, Sidney begins a diary filled with anticipation and joy, unsure how to reconcile the outlier he once was with the the husband and father he desires to become. Even a blessed life is filled with challenges and a day with Charlotte as his wife will never be boring. Told from Sidney's point of view, we see life with all it's challenges and rewards.
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Comments: 174
Kudos: 224





	1. Windswept Cottage, the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the SanditonSquad](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+SanditonSquad).



The Diary of Sidney Parker  
BOOK 1

30 September 1821-

Windswept Cottage, Sanditon  
I am not a writer. I am far more comfortable keeping logs and receipts for my businesses, but I find such unaccustomed joy in the current days that I am content, as best as I am able, to keep record of these next years of my life.  
Every moment, every second of my life with   
Charlotte is a treasured blessing and now that I am to become a Father, I find I want to leave these thoughts of mine for posterity. My brothers and sister have a decade of memories in which my pain dictated my every action, my disappointment revolved around another person who should never have had an inkling of power over my heart and one who almost pirated my future. 

And yet, here am I, watching a post-Michaelmas drizzle pound the panes and the last of the neighbors’ harvests are stowed safe within their barns. I am happy, dare I say, for I am unscathed by Tom’s folly in the town a few years back when I was an outlier without hope.

Little one, I find that my thoughts are full of anticipation of the days when you will join us! Your mother, Charlotte, is the absolute joy of my life and 

I know you will also hold her in the highest esteem. Even now I envy your harbor beneath and within her heart these many months, for no more loving home will be made by God for any child, as you will surely see.

Your uncle, Arthur, calls our rambling home “Gale House” because the winds blow with great enthusiasm across this cliffside dwelling and he finds the constant gusts chilling and off putting. Charlotte and I love the constant zephyr for it fills our home with smells of the sea and the freshness fills every corner of our dwelling.  
Gran Heywood arrives tomorrow, Little One, and will stay with us until your arrival. We might anticipate you for another fortnight, but, indeed, were you able to arrive today I would be delighted.

Today we walked along the cliffs, as is our daily habit. Charlotte walked slowly, happily dreaming of you! 

I find that I can not pass a single opportunity to touch her and you may find our open affection will be unusual, but I will offer no other explanation than to say I need her like breath, like sustenance and we shall try most diligently to see that our haven of love is never embarrassing to you. I am a man besotted by his wife, and I can hardly be held to the formal standards of the day within my own halls! 

I give you permission to pull me aside should you feel your Papa needs a word about such discipline but I make no promise.

Charlotte calls me to tea. We shall retire to our library to rest and read together, our last days before we will gladly be a family of three. Come safely. 

Come soon, Little One.


	2. Chapter 2

3 October 1821

This morning I arrived at breakfast to find Charlotte giggling hysterically while trying to fasten the buttons on a swath of silk fabric Lady Susan had parceled from Paris. 

There were buttons under the bust and the skirt gathered and wrapped attached to the buttons to enable a babe to nurse while a mother was still attired in the latest fashion. 

Or so it would seem. I was quite undone by the sight of Charlotte’s burgeoning figure wrapped so accessibly and I will admit to offering a helping hand since our maid, Dulsey had walked to Trafalgar House to help Mary with the children. 

Lady Susan always sends Charlotte unusual items of clothing and I thoroughly enjoy discovering how they might work. The thought occurred that these items were as much a gift to me as Charlotte, but I shall keep my own counsel on this regard.

The uneven buttons were soon sorted out and the single piece of fabric that would change with Charlotte’s body intrigued me. 

By hugging her closely I find that the pockets access the chemise underneath and I pull the two of you toward me, rubbing my hands over you in her belly as we hear Dulcey enter the lauder. Charlotte tilted her chin at me as she walked across the kitchen, leaving me uncomfortable in my clothes. 

Oh Little One, I expect that you have witnessed more than a wee babe should already and I will be most chastened if the memories are truly part of your childhood!  
So, I shall go to the cove for a swim before checking on the Babingtons. Charlotte smirked from the parlor as she served tea to Mrs Hankins and her mother. I returned her look with the promise of caresses as the day would allow. Oh Little One, only you can keep me from her for these days ahead! I will show you both how patient I can be. I will prove to myself how far I can swim in very chilly water.

Babers served some very fine Port from Spain and I was interested enough to request several bottles when next he goes to London. 

Long have I teased him about his seat in the House of Lords and I was interested as he eloquently spoke about the challenges faced as a Peer of the Realm. 

I can honestly say I harbor no envy for his peerage and feel free to pursue my business interests without too much of politics dictating my actions.  
Little One, how much your mother and I wish to leave our world a better place for you! I realize this is the prayer of all parents, with many challenges, and I must cool my temper when the flagrant talk of slavery surrounds the worthiness of an individual. 

From your first day in this world I hope to show you the innate equality of all people, to teach you respect and kindness! By damn, if your delivery of this awareness is ever ridiculed those involved will deal with me!

I document here the purchase of four horses from the Pemberly stables. They will be delivered in the spring. I will board these four at the Denham House stables. Perhaps by the time you are ready to ride we will have room here for a pony. Yes, and for a dog who might befriend you as you ramble! 

Perhaps you will have siblings with whom to share adventures, although I am decidedly ahead of my self, as my most sincere longing is for you in our arms.  
I hear your Gran Heywood entreating her good night to my Charlotte, and it is true that this my favorite time of night! 

The day is shuttered into darkness and I may hold my beloved until day breaks over the sea. Good night my child, our Little One.

October 5

Lady Denham has called both your Uncle Tom and me to Sanditon House and we attend her tomorrow. Our investments have quadrupled under the guidance of Lady Susan and the Prince Regent’s plan for building towns within Britain. Our country grows in wealth and status within the world and it excites me to think that Lady Denham might be eager to proceed with the plans for the expansion of Sanditon. I will accompany Tom for he is still leery of the impeccable business acumen bundled up in the slight frame of such a powerful woman. I am all amazement, for she nears the age of 83 years and shows no sign of slowing. Perhaps the business we discuss will further our successful future and your cousins will join you in this town with pride of place, having grown up in a town surrounded by villagers who know and love you.

How right was my inclination to attend Lady Denham’s meeting with Tom! Perhaps she can not forgive the inability for Tom to take full responsibility for his lack of business smarts, but for me and for your mother, Lady D’s exposure of a situation that I had entered into was remedied by her savvy disclosure of the illegalities by which I was betrothed to another. Lady Denham enabled your mother and I to marry each other! We did so in her garden, staying for several months in Sanditon House after our nuptials as her guests. She has become as dear to us as family. She does not suffer fools and makes no apology for it! She and Lady Susan, as well as your mother, are all amazingly stalwart women and as you grow, my Little One, you may join me in learning from their cumulative wisdom.  
She is planning a Christmas Ball at the assembly rooms and a Christmas Eve afternoon party for the children of the town. Your Uncle Tom sees no intrinsic value in this scheme, but I can see a valued tradition beginning and I whole heartedly support her ideas.  
Lady Denham made us very aware that she will never forget that accountability may ruffle Tom’s feathers but she will only place her faith in our dual responsibility for the future of the town and her investments. Her caveat was that Charlotte approve and that the good Reverend Hankins would relinquish part of his hold on these most religious of days. I will broach this subject on the morrow, but the Vicar does not endorse my intellectual stance and love for philosophy so your Papa will seek counsel with your mother before I go.  
Ah, Little One, as I read back through these small challenges to our lives, it is my hope that no problem greater than the date of a Ball will ever vex you and that you will always have the required strength to meet the requirements of each day.


	3. Chapter 3

6 October 

I have never listened more, nor understood less, than I did this afternoon having tea with the Hankins! The former Mrs Griffiths, now Hankins, has every gracious tendency and I spoke to the couple of Lady Denham’s holiday plans at once. With immediacy she excused herself and left me with the Vicar, whose visage clouded over at once!

“No, I do not agree, Mr Parker, to the sacrifice of a single scheduled church service in order to accommodate the frivolities of a ball! Why might not Lady Denham host the town another evening of the season? Do not think, Sir, that I will allow the little children to believe that Christmas has any other purpose that the celebration of the birth of our dear Lord Jesus Christ! For no other reason does our celebration exist and no other place is more appropriate than the church for the symbolic extension of the days between Christmas Day and Epiphany.”

I was taken aback by his adamancy! Of course, I was not trying to take away from such a high and holy day! I had not come to argue either doctrine or scheduling. I was merely the messenger, and from the depths of the Vicar’s soul, I became the man that required the gospel as only he might impart its import! 

The afternoon turned to early evening before I could interrupt what became an ecclesiastical diatribe and I eagerly left him for the comforts of home. The closer I got to Windswept, the angrier I became! I had become the mute man with the inability to state my thoughts with clarity, to defend the knowledge of my mind and heart or to formulate any defense from the judgment he declared! 

He spoke quietly of my unsteady temperament, my penchant for pugilism and for the countless times he and other members of the community had witnessed my yelling and snubbing and bullying those in my charge. I knew he was then speaking of Georgiana and I thought I had made amends on this subject, at least!

Condemned, I was in no frame of mind to form a defense! His kindly countenance shrouded years of assessments about my life and this day was chosen for him to place these thoughts of insufficiency at my feet.

As I excused myself into a chilling afternoon, I did not seek Mrs Hankins to express thanks for the tea nor indeed was I considering what I would say to her when next we meet. 

It occurs to me that she and Reverend Hankins have discussed my character in the past, perhaps many times, so well were his arguments formulated. Damn! Why can not I find fluidity in my thoughts unless those very thoughts are wrapped in passion that must suddenly and forcefully escape my heart with ill temper?

To think in many ways he might be right appalls me! There were many times that illustrated his point within the viewpoint of the public. Mr Stringer had witnessed several of these events with Charlotte before I realized the depth of my passion and need for her. She always stood resolute before me, challenged me, cajoled me. What brutish behavior I often displayed before she became my wife! 

Am I perceived a brute, even now? This thought is unbearable to me, and yet, how well I understand the impression I left with so many!

The Reverend doubts my very worth as a man because he believes my own philosophy is based on ancient philosophers and not entirely on Biblical truths. 

I do not believe this to be an honest assessment of my true self, but his professed doubts have shaken me. I have never had my worthiness challenged so directly. I would tell a lesser man to sod off! I wish to explain it all to Charlotte, for upon my word as a gentleman, I have never sought holiness in any fashion and have only just become a better soul because of the challenge to become a man of substance for my wife.

Does her lack of requirement for perfection come from her belief that I may never attain the innate goodness of a truly fine man? I told her once in the height of my most arrogant time in life that ‘I didn’t care what she thought and as a matter of fact, didn’t think about her at all’. 

The memory of my own words haunt me still! Though I have grown so far beyond the lack of grace and kindness beyond their utterance, I will never forget the low point the words represent in my life.

Charlotte has never discussed religion with me at any depth. Her moral fortitude is superior to that of most individuals I know in every way. She is stalwart in belief and action and is unwavering in her knowledge that her reasoning is sound. 

My own inner compass was often lacking in solid direction in past years as I sought to bury the offenses of my own heartache from bar to boarding house! I am only ashamed of what my own unpleasantness has cast across my interactions with those for whom I care.

Now I am to be a father, your Father! Your Papa! I am fearful I am not worthy of the task as I mull over the mistakes of my life, the coldness of my heart when events in my past were disappointing. 

I must map out the future of my life with surety and not let any other man cause me to fall into an abyss of doubt and self-loathing. 

Alas, I have wandered too near this precipice on many occasions to want to linger there now, by choice.

And here I am again, furious and fearful and so aware how my ability to control anything in our lives is simply beyond me! 

I entered the library expecting to find Charlotte with her feet up only to find a darkened and empty room. 

Gran Heywood was returning to the main house from the outside, flushed and more than frantic. 

“Charlotte has fallen on the cliff walk, Sidney, and I can neither reach her nor help her- please come!”

She was no where to be seen and we ran to the indention on the path where her mother had left her. A small mongrel was barking hysterically and I looked down the cliff’s edge to see Charlotte clinging to the embankment by the bracken growing from the cliffside. 

Her balance was precarious. I frantically knew, with certainty, that a gust of breeze would push her off the bank onto the rocky cove below. 

Again, I was standing helpless as Charlotte courted disaster. Jenkins and Smith, two of Stringer's men, walked the path greeting me heartily before my panicked expression and Charlotte’s mother could explain how desperate was our situation. The evening rushed toward night and terror was swallowing me whole.

I pulled my arms from my topcoat and lay upon it reaching down to her. I was not sure I could breathe as my heart contracted in my chest.  
“Charlotte, do not move, my darling! You must be ever so still! Stringer’s men have gone for help. I know you must be tired from holding on, but hold you must! Are you hurt? Can you hear me?”

“Sidney, I am so sorry! I just leaned over to see what had the little dog so very upset and I am so top heavy!”  
“My feet slid down the slope and I could not stop! Sidney, there is a baby here with me and he is either asleep or…or…” a sob caught in her throat and I knew then the real terror of loving so completely! It is the loss that stands, potentially between life and death and the inability to protect the one you love with any complete effectiveness. I will never tell the vicar, but every aspect of my being became one of prayer.

“What are you saying, darling? Our child is safe within you! Don’t panic,”

I spoke aloud to the universe,  
All will be well, I promise! Stay calm now, Charlotte, I am here.”  
I was rambling, both in thought and word for I could not see a way this might end happily for all. 

Just as despair was filling both my mind and heart, Charlotte’s mother and Dulcey arrived from the cottage weighed down with rope and blankets, candles and water.

Soon we were joined by the men, James Stringer and several others from the town. They fashioned a sling and Stringer himself began the process of easing himself over the edge.  
I began a protest at the obvious danger.  
“Mr Parker, Sidney, I will not forget how you both leaped into action to help my father when he broke his leg! Let me do this now...” 

“Please, come close enough to catch her as I bring her up…Hold the rope, boys…slowly….slowly… Stop!”

He swung around Charlotte, forming a cage around her body. “Well met, Mrs Parker,” he teased her. And a small chuckle escaped her before becoming a resounding sob.

“Steady, Charlotte…what are you holding with your foot?” he queried.  
“A basket, James, and I must not let it drop!”

“What’s in the basket, Mother?” I asked Mrs Heywood. “I’ve no idea,” answered she, “for we had nothing with us as we walked!”

A quiet moment passed and the men pulled the basket over the cliff’s edge. Her mother received it and moved away as James turned Charlotte to face the cliff and looped the rope he carried beneath her arms. When it was secured, he spoke, calmly.

“Wilson go get Doctor Fuchs and send him to Windswept Cottage... Jenkins… you and Smith get your bearings and you other men make sure their footing is sound… And pull…gently…Push with your feet, Charlotte…I have you… Mr. Parker…Sidney? Can you reach her shoulders push out a bit so her face is not scraped against the rocks… steady….”

And then she was in my arms! I backed away from the cliff and collapsed. My legs would no longer hold me up and I held her as we wept and shook, a most wrenching disaster averted.  
The men gathered around us as they recoiled their ropes and held their torches. Most started for the town and their homes. Stringer stood silently assessing us where we sat. I had no words sufficient enough to express my gratitude and I did not protest as he carried Charlotte up the path into our home.

Dr Fuchs arrived and watched me strip away Charlotte’s torn spencer and roll away her raveled hose. He carefully assessed every inch of her. Your mother is in remarkably good shape, if one overlooks her bruises and shaken spirit. 

Dr Fuchs, I hasten to add, tells us all that you are unscathed, my Little One, but before we could leave you to your rest, Gran Heywood walked into the room with the basket in hand: the basket that started this frightful experience in the first place.

Tucked inside the woven willow twig cocoon was a robust baby boy, tightly swaddled and most unhappy. He was not hurt but his wrappings revealed a wet and sodden body and his mewing cries bespoke of hunger and heartache. Before the doctor could respond or Gran Heywood intervene, Charlotte had gathered him up in her arms and he began to suckle her finger frantically.

In this lifetime I have been truly speechless very few times! I simply gaped at her as she unwound a note, bound with string, which fell from the blankets.

Mistress,  
This boy came to me but a month hence. No father has he now for death took  
him at sea and now no mother for I am near dying meself.  
I give him to you, for you will care for him. I hear your time is nigh  
and I have no hour for any other thought than his future life. His name be  
Bengy for his Da that came before. Thanks be for your kindness.  
Marie

Dulcey was spurred into action, finding nappies and a blanket. Mrs Heywood looked on with care, relief and, I must say, open amusement. At most, I had expected this fuss to be over a basket of puppies and I could not put my feelings into an adequate expression that reflects my heart.

I simply said, “No!”

“Charlotte we are not going to raise this little boy as our own! With our own child approaching...however could someone make such a supplication? I cannot fathom that you would even consider it! Or expect that I might!”

By this time the rosy child was clean and naked, comfortably kicking his tiny legs and he had locked onto Charlotte’s face as though magnetized.

Dr Fuchs said, “Herr Parker, though perhaps unwanted, this young interloper seems quite at home. I know of no other woman in Sanditon delivered of child within the weeks past and there is no depository for such a child other than the orphanage at Tunbridge Wells. I can take him there in the morning, but tonight I would request you and Mrs Parker care for him. I will return to fetch him on the morrow.”

Turning to Dulcey he said, “See if the child will take this mixture dropped, delicately, into his mouth and I will scour the area for a wet nurse. Good night! Until tomorrow…”

All at once we were alone together, the newly wrapped Benjy, Charlotte and I.  
The angst from her fall, the anger of my conversation with Reverend Hankins and the inability to change our current situation with any immediacy, infuriated me. I was, again, both harsh and blunt.

“We can not be expected to care for this child on a long term basis, Charlotte! You can not be so daft!”

“The Babingtons have managed two small ones quite happily for these past two plus years and now a third is on the way! What about this child suggests that he is less than any other? What does he represent that makes him untoward? Why Sidney Parker, are you unsure that our arms might not be wide enough to accommodate this most unexpected gift? We did not become expectant as easily as I thought we surely would! Perhaps we might …”

I simply repeated, “No,” leaving her to cuddle a wayward son, not our own, to the breasts I loved. I walked away, bemused at her willingness with no careful thought. She was forming an attachment to this little man and I am…I am…jealous!

Here I sit, my Little One, alone at this desk as midnight approaches. My dreams are not selfish! I am not responsible for a child with no tie to my family or any other person I know!

I will not have my expectations overruled by emotion. Not even Charlotte can ask this of me. He must go without regret. Tomorrow will not come soon enough!


	4. Chapter 4

7 October 

Charlotte does not speak with her voice but her eyes preach volumes! I have wandered through our home trying to seek support from any corner.There is no one willing to say, ‘Sidney you are right!’  
I most certainly am right! The women have so pleasantly ignored my presence that I sought refuge early in the day by walking along the beach, seeking peace. I was hoping to intercept Dr Fuchs when he returns to the house. Why I feel led to cover any expenses he may incur is beyond me but I shall make this offer freely in hope to assuage any negative feeling Charlotte may harbor about my most practical decision.

Instead I find Mary walking the path with young James. I scoop him up, take the valise she carries and ask her at once if she will join us for tea.

“Yes, thank you, Sidney, I will. Charlotte sent Dulcey to us at first light and I am bringing several things for baby Ben.”  
“Bear for Beny,” piped up young James.  
I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there was an active conspiracy against reason within my own house! With no Dr Fuchs within sight, I had no other agreeable option than walking with Mary to the house.

Our home was buzzing with general and good humored chores. Charlotte’s mother was removing scones from the brick oven while Dulcey potted the tea. 

I found Charlotte in the library unpacking a baby wardrobe fit for royalty while Mary extoled the value of each item.  
“Here are bibs, which you won’t need for awhile, but they do the job of protecting a baby gown well. And these flannel gowns were wonderful for days at home, by pulling the drawstring here,” she demonstrated, “tiny feet stay warm and cozy.”  
“Nunc Sid? Nunc Sid, you like my new fren’ Ben?” asked James. His blue eyes bored into mine with innocent wonder and I saw Benjy’s tiny fist wave before he settled down to nap, his face turned into the curve of Charlotte’s neck. The bliss on her face captivated me. She was intent on comforting this tiny child! The result was the night past had been spent by me sitting at my desk and not in the arms I consider to be my own personal haven. She stood and walked toward me.  
“Here my love, hold him close to your heart and he will sleep most soundly.”  
"Here,” said James, mimicking Charlotte, “Hold Bear while he sleeps, Nunc Sid!” and squeezing the animal into my arms next to Ben, followed Mary and Charlotte as they tiptoed from the room.

I put my head back against the overstuffed chair feeling a tiny squirm of the babe as he settled against me. I wondered where Dr Fuchs might be and only awoke as Babington leaned down to look me in the eye. I must have nodded off because my brain was foggy as Babers started to laugh.  
“Most charming Parker! I’m glad Esther and I offered you sufficient practice so you could embrace this domesticity with so much surety. The baby sleeps and the bear only adds to your grizzled charm!”

I was instantly awake! Here, at last, was a supportive friend among the females surrounding me! I knew that I could depend on Babers for general good counsel and support.

As Baber’s reached for the babe, Esther entered the room, ever brisk and in control. She leaned over the tiny child and stoked his cheek lovingly. “What a blessed little child you are, tiny Ben! To end up in such a household with two parents ready to receive you!”

“Now see here, Esther! This is not how it looks! I mean to say, how it looks is not how it will be! As very sad as I am for the plight of this abandoned child, he may not stay here and that is my final decision,” I blustered.

Her response was typically Esther, “Hmmmm, Sidney! Parenthood looks well on you!”  
“God in heavens, Babs, speak to your wife before she misjudges me too harshly!”  
When he smiled benignly, I knew all was lost in my assumed support team.  
“You and Charlotte are naturals, Sidney! What future might he have if you leave him in Tunbridge Wells? How little effort it would take for a boy to be raised in such a home, by the sea, where possibilities for the best of lives blows over the sandy hills and will seep into the grateful heart of such a child?”

“You wax poetic, Babington, but I will be the one who must coax this babe toward manhood while seeking to care for my own children! I am ill equipped for such a task!”

“Why not you, my friend? We have spent more on port and carousing than this little man will add to the cost of your household! Esther’s baby maid will come to you and Charlotte tomorrow. She will stay for the next 5 months, or so, before she returns to us. By then your family will be a joyful unit, you shall see! Charlotte and her babe will soon complete this blissful home, mark my words!”

Babington handed the rosy baby into my arms as he took a cup of tea from Esther. At that moment Charlotte entered the room with her mother. Settling onto the divan she looked at me imploringly. Mary filed in behind her and Dulcey served the scones. Every eye was upon me and I was discomfited by their study.

The weight of this tiny boy settled in my heart. How can I not offer a home to a child such as this?

I knelt at Charlotte’s feet and looked deeply into her eyes. Her scent of sunshine and roses softly wafted in the air between us. Our foreheads touched, as is our want. 

J

For a moment, surrounded by our family and dearest friends, we simply inhaled the dreams between us. Charlotte took the babe from my arms and leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss upon my cheek stroking his face with her fingers.  
“Welcome, Benjamin Heywood Parker,” she said, “You are now home dear child, and all of us promise to support and care for you. You will be a mighty fine son for the best man I have ever known.”

“And Sidney,” she added, “Reverend Hankins is coming by for a visit this afternoon. Please stay to greet him with us.”

My doubts race through my mind, again, for I have had no opportunity to share the conversation of yesterday with Hankins, so distracted have we been by all that occurred with Charlotte. What if the vicar points out my failures today as glibly as he did yesterday? Yes, my dear Little One! This family will never be dull. So easily was an older brother procured for you and as easily proven is how deeply flawed a man am I.

At least we did not keep the hound… did we?


	5. Chapter 5

8 October 

The Reverend Hankins was due at four o’clock. I sat by the fire with Ben in my arms and The Works of Plato open, braced by middle pages, on the arm of my chair. A spit shined mongrel that now resembles a spaniel was at my feet. Yes, the dog came with the baby! Charlotte argued, and so we welcome both. I have become the depository for all that might find comfort in my lap by the fireside. Except my wife! I have been attempting to entice her for the past hour, to no avail.

Gran Heywood returned with Dulcey from town, where their walk to the post had turned into a time of news and gossip. James Springer’s rescue of Charlotte was the talk of the day, followed closely by the baby in a basket and the general mayhem that seems to mark the borders of what was once my peaceful existence at Windswept. Gran and Dulcey seemed to bring the excitement of the town into the house with the cooling breeze. Close on their heels came the vicar. 

“And who is this gentleman?” queried the Reverend, jiggling the small hand closest to my elbow.  
“This is Benjamin Heywood Parker,” intervened Charlotte.  
“How wonderfully extraordinary!” said he, “Isn’t it amazing to witness the Lord at work!”  
“With all due respect, Reverend,” said Charlotte at once, “It’s hard to reconcile a loving deity allowing the life of a child to hang in the balance based on a woman paying attention to an excited dog! What if my attention had been elsewhere?… What if I had not fallen? Yes, Sir, there were moments when I felt abandoned by grace and, left to my own devices, I might have given up the fight! After two hours I was cold, desperate and all too aware of my folly!”  
“Ah yes, my dear Mrs Parker, and an angel in the form of James Stringer saved the day, I hear, and you are with us, happy and well. A most benevolent God with his hand on the lives of you all!”  
I saw her chin rise as her brow furrowed. “Dear Reverend I would fall again if it brought me back to my beloved husband! He swallowed his pride and hugged the ground until I could again fill his arms! This is the man who will enable our household to take on the 'least of these', honoring both humanity and our family, without the consideration of inconvenience. For him, I say my thanks to God, everyday! No better man has walked the earth and I am blessed because he loves me…Tea?”  
“Thank you,” said he, as she served, “Much is said in the New Testament about caring for the least of these. It is if you have served an angel, unaware!”  
She stood behind me, her hand upon my shoulder. “Sidney is just such a man, Reverend. A man unaware of the great and good he accomplishes in the world. One can never truly understand the heart of such a man until a life hangs in the balance and love calls one back from the edge of a cliff! We are indeed, most thankful.”  
“If you will excuse me, I will take this tiny fellow for a bath and change. Good afternoon, Sir!”

Suddenly I was without my human shield as Charlotte took the babe. A sleeping dog is not much protection and, I was sure, Plato slept as well within his pages upon my chair. Before I could say a word, The Reverend launched into the purpose for his visit.  
“Mr Parker, I owe you an apology. I was ill mannered in my presentation of what you must feel was an unfair assessment of your character. It is not my job, neither my calling, to judge another of God’s precious children. And that you surely are. I am here, should you ever need any counsel.”  
Still no word had passed my lips. I will not apologize for my mind or heart, as frail as it might appear to a man of the cloth, but there was nothing to gain in treating him poorly.  
“You are kind to offer an apology and I forgive you, if indeed humiliation is what you intended, for I came home, filled with anger at my inability to present an honorable man before you. Thank you for your care for our family, but I am sure to disappoint you again in this lifetime for that is the manner of man and I will not pretend that I am more than just a man.”

“Yes, well, I was most adamant about our church-oriented Christmas, I hope that I can appeal to Lady Denham for an alternative date and thought I would ask for your intervention?”

“No,” said I, most happily, “I think you and Lady Denham should choose a mutually acceptable date and when you have it, Tom and I will proceed with her wishes when we hear back from the both of you!”  
Soon after, he departed, leaving me to wonder how a man becomes ‘good enough’ in a world that makes only holiness the manner of a godly man and thinking that I do not mind the fact that I am just a man.  
When I went to find Charlotte, she and the babe were deeply asleep. I left the room long enough to excuse us from dinner and to document this most unusual day, Little One. Should you choose someday to become a vicar I will remind you there is a vast range between the sublime and the ridiculous. I will encourage you to be your truest self and blessings will follow.

Good night! I shall go and wrap my arms around you, your mother and Ben, relieved that I am enough for the woman I love and in awe of her willingness to voice her truths, calmly and with kindness.


	6. Chapter 6

10 October

I was at an impasse with your hound. As I would sit to write, the animal flopped at my feet! He must sleep upon one of my boots while attempting to gnaw a hole in the other! Perhaps this sounds a bit amusing to you, but I am more than angry after attempting to explain the chewed collar of my boot to Charlotte.

I was not yelling, I was explaining loudly! I went to her while this dog loped behind me. How fitting that our beast would appear to be smiling in a most beguiling fashion. At the same time he is helping himself a to a large portion of anything edible Dulcey has ignored for a moment … or anything sweet! The animal is not particular! (It comes to mind I might call him ‘Arthur 2’, for their tendencies are certainly matched. Even I can not be so callous to a most beloved brother! Even he would not eat a boot!)

So Charlotte sent me to the cobbler at Heely’s to see what might be done. The hound followed me and threw himself down at the shop door while I went inside. The solution was to buy another pair of boots and to leave the chewed pair to have a folded piece of leather sewn on for a most casual but certainly perfunctory look. Every man in the shop was most good natured about my problem, but to be fair, it isn’t their boot!

There was a ruckus on the street as I departed and I paused to put on my hat just in time to see the fruit monger chase the dog who slid into my legs while wagging his tail happily.

“2 apples he ate,” scolded the saleswoman, “ I suppose you will compensate my loss of the apples in pence!” said she as she followed me to the Crown. “If you ain’t minding your dog, he’s going to stay in trouble!”

I thanked her kindly for the advice after paying her and poked my head into the hotel bar in hopes of finding Crowe or Babers. I explained my plight and, as you might rightly assume,neither was particularly sympathetic!

“Parker”, said Crowe most drolly, “You have gained a baby and a dog, all in the course of a week! Sit while we drink to your uncanny ability to stride right in where angels fear to tread! I can not wait to see what yet may happen in your life!”

"Now, Crowe,” I answered him, “You men leave your drinks behind and follow me home for luncheon!  
Charlotte won’t mind in the least and you can meet our new child more properly. Come, Babers, help me wrangle the hound!”

This is what I have become in the trio: The source of amusement! Neither man is afraid of the wrath I might unleash any longer and both believe I am so far under the gentle hand of Charlotte that nothing vexes me in the least! They are wrong and it’s only a matter time before the challenges of my life will bring them back into a respectful awe in my presence.

To Windswept we walked. At the back of the house we could see Dulcey pinning nappies on the line to dry quickly in the constant current of sea air.  
The dog raced ahead to see if he might put his dirty paws upon the linen. Dulcey laughed and danced away and I felt no amusement as we entered the house. After establishing the men in the drawing room, I went in search of Charlotte. Finding her in the library with her mother, I announced my unexpected company. 

It never gets old! Her already lovely smile increased with the news and she went to welcome my friends as valued guests, however unexpected.

“Mother,” I said to Gran Heywood, “It means the world to me that Charlotte is always so kind no matter the situation I might throw at her! Was she ever the gracious child?”

“Hardly, Sidney!” she answered and then laughed gaily. “She can lead a mutiny when she finds a situation disagreeable! Many were the days she left my kitchen followed by her younger siblings marching stubbornly behind her while she was creating a rebellion about a distasteful chore. But they always came back, Charlotte leading them! Her small siblings are always motivated by their stomachs, Charlotte was always more interested in books!”  
“Whatever was the catalyst for change?” I ask her, wondering truly how she managed so many delightful humans in one close knit bunch.  
“We never expected perfection,” said she wisely. “We expected respect and strength and questioning and when more than the half the lot of them chose to question direction at once, we expected lots of noise!” She laughed heartily. “All are different souls placed in our care for only a moment and we seek to celebrate each in a way that will encourage them to become what the Creator intended. Parents are only custodians of the divine and when encouraged, children become most surprising as they grow! Loving them well means that you are exposed to multiple chances for heartbreak but also equal exposure to joy! John and I have had both in equal measure, but seeing Charlotte begin her own family with you will be one of the greatest joys of my life—and yours!”

I am not sure I had heard her speak so many sentences at one time since knowing her! It was as though she had saved the words for such a time as this, and she poured them over my soul like balm. She and John would help me, too. I was no longer an orphan and the thought bloomed in my heart. 

“Now, let me meet your friends more properly before I see how I might assist Dulcey in the kitchen.”

We found the three at the front of the house. Charlotte was explaining the design for a rose arbor to Babers and I was amused to see Crowe had taken the hound to heel.  
The dog was seated looking up at Crowe expectantly and the animal flew as he retrieved a stick Crowe was tossing with a casual repetitive fling. Each time the stick was thrown it was also returned and dropped with a dripping slobber at Crowe’s feet.  
“You good dog!” Crowe would offer as he flung the stick again.  
“Well, man, you have certainly earned your lunch today!” I said most sincerely. “Now if you will only name him, your good deeds will be done for a fortnight!”

“Sit” demanded Crowe as the beast sat at his feet. “Let’s think about this… Charlotte what drew you to this magnificent animal in the first place?”  
“He was barking most insistently, and I finally went to discern what was causing such a ruckus. You know the rest…” said she, her voice trailing off.  
“I want to meet Ben Parker.” said Crowe kindly. “Ben and Barker Parker! What and adventuresome pair!”

And so it came to be! I write with Barker Parker sprawled over my new black boot with the hope he is happy and not interested enough to snack upon it. As ever, I am dreaming of you.  
Ah. My dear Little One! Make haste, for there are many here most eager to meet you and none more so than I.


	7. Chapter 7

12 October

As we woke this morning Charlotte reached for baby Ben and he lay between us as we spoke of the day to come. He began to cry and we watched as his tiny lip curled and his eyes slowly filled with tears.  
It took several moments for the cries to work in any synchronization with his tears, but when they came they were deafening! At that point Charlotte looked at me in wonder as you kicked with vigor from your peaceful abode as though to make Ben hush. We laughed and he cried louder and you kicked harder! Little One, soon you will be here in person and we both realize you will be spirited upon arrival and not shy about being heard.  
Charlotte wants a list of Parker boy names for she believes you will most certainly be a strong and stalwart boy, a perfect match for our Ben. Two brothers might never be closer almost raised as twins.

All these statements are true, but in my heart you are our baby Grace. I have dreamed of you for all these months, longing only for a healthy child with no preference for gender. Suddenly, today a child filled my mind able to wield a cricket bat as well as any boy in Sanditon… sure footed, clever and strong. I watched Charlotte’s night grown move with every punch of your foot, or fist, wedged so tightly within her. I realized how you will hold your own and stand unafraid in certain dimpled glory and I know I will know your heart when first we meet! And if you are Bartholomew Nicodemus Parker reading these words I grant you permission to strike this entry from the page (and to change your name as soon as you are of age and are able).

This afternoon James Stringer crested the hill pulling his work cart and smiling in his affable way. I watched him greet Mother on the entry and went to see what he might have to show. Charlotte joined me as we watched him unwrapping two large shapes rolled in a tarp. He carefully lifted his burden from the cart and placed before us the first of two extraordinary cradles. They were identical and finely wrought of beautifully grained wood. He blushed as Charlotte hugged him and Mother said “Oh my, James!”

“How were there two, just waiting? Well, I wanted to make one for Alison and she wanted to give one to Charlotte. We have months to wait and you but weeks. Tis a long winter ahead, so I have time to finish another. You will have to come back in the spring, Mother Heywood, when it is time. You have been good to check on Alison daily and we like having you here!”

The two of us walked into the house placing both of the cradles near the fire in our bedroom. 

“May I say to you, James, that I have no words to tell you how very thankful I was for your calm and steady hand the other night! I could not see beyond the cliff and you quickly made the nightmare vanish. If .. erm…If I had lost either, I could…”

“Don’t speak of it again! Do you think I could have gone home to Alison if her favorite sister had been hurt?” He added, “Had she not been in Willingden, she would have climbed the cliff herself! She arrived home today in high dudgeon because I did not send for her at once! She is resting and I left her there to entertain the attention of Dr Fuchs with her maid Joan.”

Dr Fuchs! We have not seen his face at Windswept since baby Ben arrived! I do not expect we will until all is announced that Ben is staying and Reverend Hankins plans to make an announcement at church on Sunday.

“Please, hear my thanks…Brother.”  
The look of wonder James bestowed upon me was so gratifying that all the angst between us was healed at once.  
“Thank you, Sidney! To be thought of as your friend was gratifying! To be called a brother is more than I could have ever expected!”

Before a tear might rise between us, after all our individual masculinity is widely known, Barker Parker made the leap onto James legs and he leaned down to pet the gregarious pup.  
“Bring Alison for dinner tomorrow, James,” entreated Charlotte. “We sisters have much to discuss! And thank you again for your thoughtfulness.”  
He still reddens, a little, when Charlotte addresses him directly. As completely suited for Alison as I know he is, I know he must wonder what it is about my brash assertiveness that ever captured Charlotte’s heart.

Appropriate bedding was fetched and Ben ensconced most happily by the fireside as Charlotte gently rocked him to sleep with her foot while reading a volume of Robinson Crusoe. She said, “You have bestowed a most treasured gift upon James Stringer. He seemed even taller as he walked away. Thank you, Sidney! You have no idea the import of putting words into action."

“Oh, do I not? Just watch your man in action!” I swept her up into my arms and kissed her soundly before patting you beneath her clothes. Mother cleared her throat and I wisely backed away from Charlotte but I caught the promising smile she bestowed and I will collect upon that promise later.

I never know what she might say next, Little One! Today proved no exception.

“Do you think you and James might build a tree house to please our pirates, Mr Parker? I think our boys would love to grow up with such a place to play.”  
“As long as I am never sent to live there as a punishment!” said I.  
I kissed her Little One, for I believe such action seals any agreement between us.

“Oh Sidney, you dear man!” she giggled “You will never vex me enough to wish you gone, not even for a moment!”

I’m so afraid I will, intentionally or not.


	8. Chapter 8

13 October

The inevitable meeting was earlier today. A fine bright October day, cool but not cold and a pocket between the changeable weather that marks our home in Sanditon.

I realized I must give Lady D. some warning about the debacle of her Christmas fete and to let her know she would be hearing from the vicar. He is not shy and has no compunction about making his doctrinal case for all who pause to listen. I believe if anyone can stand toe to toe and make an argument even God must consider, it is Lady Denham. I am pleased to be extricated from all but the end decision.

I ventured to Sanditon House armed. No, not with a weapon, Little One! I took Ben. He was bundled in woolens from head to toe and wrapped within a bunting that would survive a winter trek across the Alps. Charlotte presided over our adventure and wished us well from the front door while holding back an exuberant Barker who would decidedly be less welcome at Sanditon House should he scare the deer or put muddy paws on a prized marble floor. 

Our walk through Sanditon Park was a quiet and short, for that great property dovetails the cliff path that borders our home at Windswept and the traveling was an easy jaunt.  
The footman announced us and waved us into the Lady’s drawing room where she sat near a happy fireside with a cup of tea. 

“Well, hello Mr Parker,” she said, “I haven’t laid eyes on the lot of you for so long I feel I must address you formally while we are reintroduced!”  
“No, My Lady! We have not meant to neglect you nor have we forgotten you…It has been an exciting week, or so, within our walls and I am here to summarize these events.”  
She softened somewhat, more pleased for the visit than for an opportunity to chastise.

“What have you got in that wrapping, then, a parcel for me?” she asked.  
I handed Ben over and she began to remove his outer coverings. I hovered near, for I knew the floor would not receive him kindly should he fall.  
“Why, Sidney! It’s a baby!”  
“Yes, My Lady! His name is Ben and our best discernment is he is near about 2 months old.”  
“Mmmm…” she said, speculatively, twisting her lips to the side. “Is he your love child?”  
“My dear Lady! How could you ask such a thing? After all we went through to marry? There will never be anyone for me but Charlotte!” I was, at once, both embarrassed and infuriated by her question!

“Simmer down, Sidney… I only tease…well…Tell me his story!” She was holding Ben before her at arms length and inspecting him like a side of beef for her lauder.  
And so I did. I left out no detail, from the fall to the disappearance of the good Dr Fuchs and his appointed ride to Tunbridge Wells that never seemed to happen.

By the time I was finished with my tale, Ben was happily cuddled in her embrace and she had listened with rapt attention.

“You and Charlotte never choose an easy path when swimming through an infested abyss is an option, do you, my boy? And so tomorrow Reverend Hankins announces this addition to the parish and the deed is done!”

“I can not offer approval for I am all amazed with a baby on the way you would even consider this choice, on the one hand and… on the other, had such a boy landed in my own lap all those years before I would have welcomed him, without question. He is unspoiled and an open canvas on which an amazing life might be painted!”

“Lady Denham, you sound like Lord Babington! He was so encouraging that my initial negative reactions fell away. Here I am, the father of a boy and awaiting another.”

“As easy as it would be for two rowdy boys to grow together, prepare yourself man!” she responded, “I believe you and Charlotte deserve an obstinate and opinionated girl to make your house a home and I hope to meet her, very soon!”

“My friend, you may be right!” I answered. Her words only mirror my heart and she made me smile in spite of her earlier commentary.

As visits go it was most pleasant. I did impart the decision of Reverend Hankins and was pleased to pass the discussion of the Christmas event to her. By the set of her chin I could tell she would be more than ready for any argument from the vicar. I left her to ponder her best course of action, promising to manifest the agreed upon plan.

Swaddled and happily back with Charlotte, Ben naps beside her and I write my thoughts for you, Little One. I soon will be joining them.  
Tomorrow the first shipment of port and wine arrives from the mainland and I will witness, firsthand, the practicality of moving my London businesses to Sanditon. 

As always, tonight I dream of you.


	9. Chapter 9

15 October

I finally reconnected with Dr Fuchs at his offices when I chose to sit in his drawing room and wait him out. After an hour he sheepishly stood in front of me and I greeted him without warmth.  
“Dr Fuchs…”  
“Now Herr Parker, I must congratulate you and Mrs Parker on your most astute and kind welcome extended to the tiny boy discovered on the cliffs…”  
“Yes, well, you and I had a bit of a misunderstanding where our agreement was concerned! You sent a nursemaid from the village to our house and we never heard from you again…That was your plan all along, was it not?”  
“My dear Herr Parker, if I may be so bold as to suggest I was not brave enough to show up at your abode when your wife told me I would not be welcome back until your child is born! She was sure the small child would become fastened to your heart and so he did! Please, I meant no disrespect!”  
‘Yes…well…we are indeed permanently attached and young master Ben is here to stay.”  
“Oh,” said he, “I was most afraid you came to fight and I became most afraid when I saw your face!”

“Good God, man! I did not come here for that!... Ben is well! I would never fight you… I came to get advice about, to ask about, Charlotte and the birth…I am…I mean to say, I want to be helpful…”  
“Herr Parker! Your part is over, so to speak, and I would let your wife handle the mysteries of birth! You should not worry! You wait…you drink…one or three and you come home when the babe is here and all is well. Now if you will excuse me, I am…”  
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said stopping him by holding his arm. “That is not right for me. I want to be with my wife and I need you to tell me how it might be done.”

“Herr Parker, this is not the process of setting a broken leg! Birth is a frightening process for the mother! There is much pain and stress and no guarantee that that either mother or baby will survive! Es is hart…tis very harsh…but you must trust all to be well! Such pain is the trial of woman and her fate lies in the process. This is true world over.” 

I was suddenly feeling quite ill. I could do nothing? I am not a passive kind of man! Why was Charlotte resigned to this process? What if she dies? Everything that I could think of that might be right was countermanded in my mind with all that might be wrong.

From the doctor’s office I went to Trafalgar House seeking some sort of answer to the panic that was taking over my mind and soul. Mary would be honest, though perhaps embarrassed, but I had questions.  
Instead of Mary, I found Tom. After explaining my concern, he handed me a glass of port and said,  
“While you were in Antigua, Mary and I had several misses before the girls came along! It’s the way of it, brother…all the passion and the expectation and the pain, well, it’s not for the weak of heart. You can do this, Sidney! It will all be well, as sure as eggs are eggs!”  
His words were as helpful as sand and all I thought I knew shifted as though my life were built upon it. All seemed lost. Babington was in London and I had no one else I could ask. The thought came that I might go to Willingden to speak with Charlotte’s father but I cannot. To try to explain that my insatiable actions have resulted in my greatest fears would no doubt be understandable… but I can not have a discussion that speaks of the infinite needs we have each for the other, even with a man who so obviously relates, because he is her father.

Alison and James joined us at Windswept for a wonderful dinner during which laughter flowed as easily as wine. Mother Heywood, Alison and Charlotte shared the stories of their childhoods that were both touching and dear. No one noticed my distance and I was relieved when we all parted.

When I went to bed Charlotte reached for me and I pretended to quickly fall asleep rather than own my worries and burden her.

And so here I sit, Little One, in the middle of the night explaining in writing, yet again, what I can not express in spoken words to any living person who might actually assuage my fears.

I hear a voice calling and I realize Charlotte is shaking me awake.  
“Sidney? Can you wake my Mother…the baby is coming fast and I need her.”  
Instantly I jumped to my feet and my calls brought Mother Heyward and Dulsey. Charlotte’s face was flushed and perspiring. I scooped her up and took her to our bed only to find Dulsey changing the soiled sheets and Mother clearing the beside table for water vessels and cloths. 

“You may wait in the library, Sidney,” said Mother gently. “I will find you when there is news.”

Eight hours have passed and I have heard nothing but the door, opening and closing and Dulsey carrying hot water to our room. Ben is sleeping through it all and I am more than sick with anxiety. I thought there would be some time to harness this fright, but I can not put it from my mind. I must talk with Charlotte and nothing else will do.

I knocked on the door and Mother spoke to me around the angled corner as she partially opened it.  
“Charlotte is in a hard place Sidney and she labors on.”  
It was at that point that I heard a gut-wrenching moan and I rudely pushed beyond her into the room. Charlotte was in bed, gripping the sheeting as her body contracted while Dulcey mopped her brow with cool water. I stood beside her, helpless and agitated and ill. I pulled off my boots and climbed behind her in the bed. Mother Heywood gasped and Dulcey covered her mouth aghast.  
“Who here is going to throw me out?” I growled.  
“It just isn’t done, Sidney.”  
“And who made the rules of such an ancient rite?” questioned Charlotte wearily. “I would like him to stay, mother… I need… him to stay.”

And so it was. I moved behind her until she was flush against me and I wrenched my waist coat over my head to keep the buttons from making her more uncomfortable. She leaned back against me trying to crest the wave of expected and unimagined pain.  
I whispered in her ear, “I love you Charlotte, and if you never wish to touch me again, I understand.”  
Her response was to grind her teeth and call my name, somewhere between a whisper and a shout.

It registered that Alison came and was attending baby Ben for which I was most grateful, but our room dropped away from the world as I held her. And on she went.  
At twenty hours Charlotte began to push and her hands on my forearms were imprinted by her nails.

And then it was done. Silence filled the room for the longest seconds of my life and then a cry split the air like a ship’s horn. We were shaking and crying and laughing as Charlotte’s mother washed the babe with cloths and Dulcey worked on Charlotte.

No muscle had I and no reason. I could put no thought together and felt an exquisite relief I will never forget.

At last, Charlotte spoke, “Let us see him, please, Mother.”  
Laughing softly your Gran said, “That I cannot, dear Charlotte, for the second beastie boy you planned for has arrived as the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever seen! After today I’m thinking neither of you will send her back!”  
She handed our child- YOU- to her mother and left the room. We counted your toes and your tiny fingers.  
I noticed your head full of dark hair and we marveled together at your tiny mouth and perfect ears.  
I kissed Charlotte and then I clasped you to my chest and together we nuzzled and kissed, welcomed and cried over the tiny soul who had come to stay.

In the swiftest of moments, Dr Fuchs appeared. If he was shocked at finding us in our mutually shared bed, he made no comment about it. He congratulated the two of us, took the babe to check her over and then quietly handed her to me. “  
“Herr Parker, wrap her well and take her to the drawing room ever so quietly. There are those who wish to meet her and I will see that Mrs Parker is quite alright.”

So into the drawing room we walked, you and I, and though you were not very attentive, I spoke to you with every step and as we entered the room I was moved to see our family: Tom and Mary, James and Allison, Arthur, Diana and ensconced in the corner was Lady Denham, drinking tea from a fresh pot Alison was serving. She nodded at me cheekily and I know she believes she is who ordered our grand baby girl.  
So many smiles had not surrounded me since our wedding and I held you up so that all might witness your beauty. When I settled you well in the crook of my arm, I reached for Ben. Then I returned to Charlotte, my overflowing arms embracing you both.

I am the most grateful and the happiest of men.


	10. Chapter 10

20 October 

The warehouse on dock street, now full to overflowing with port, wine and Champagne is awaiting a shopfront to be finished for Willis Carpenter who plans to retail my wares. He is a robust man whose accident on a ladder when he worked for James Stringer has left him unable to climb and unwilling or unable to work in construction. He and James made a drawing of the Sanditon Emporium. It was simple in design with indoor space for cased goods and outdoor space which will, eventually, sell plantings and outdoor ware for the gentry. A booth for a Pariseinne parfumerie and another for bookseller will be the first of the assortment to inhabit the space and I am most pleased with the alacrity by which this project is moving forward.

Tom had the audacity to ask me if I had purchased insurance and I almost crowned him with the Sunday roast! Charlotte touched my thigh beneath the table and her attention incited calm where there is still the power to wound. Many events in my life might well become humorous, but the fire that occurred in Sanditon will never be among them!

Perhaps I am drowning in the waterfall of fatigue that pours through Windswept. For days the babies have cried, switching off only to tag team with each other. The incessant bawling is colic on the part of one and general temper on the part of the other. On occasion, I escape to town, to walk the site of the business and if I am able, to take tea with Tom and Mary for a short hour. We have a christening scheduled at the end of the month and Charlotte laughs at the thought of Reverend Hankins trying to handle screaming and communion concurrently.

I returned to the house this afternoon, for my absence had been much longer than usual, to find Charlotte bundling the babies into a rolling carriage for a push on the cliff walk to Lady Denham’s for a visit. Our carriage was a much simpler design that the early one made for the Duke of Devonshire, but the rolling wheels comforted you wee ones and Charlotte crooned softly as you settled.

“Listen!” said I, attempting a joke, “I believe the town’s folk call that ‘quiet’!”  
Ah oh! Her chin came up followed by the furrowed brow and I kissed Charlotte soundly before  
her temper might fully rise. At once I offered to accompany her, in part to make amends and because I had yet to hear from Lady Denham about the Christmas Ball. I was more than curious how the world was continuing without us. I was sure since the formation of our family all was somehow different and arrogant enough to think my family now rivaled the greatest of such groupings since the formation of such first occurred. I was rather put off when our babies were not recognized by all who greeted them at once but Charlotte has teased me into the realization that their assumed royal attributes were all in our imaginations. “What we have,” she would say with delight, "are two precious little ones content to be beloved by us and happy enough to show others how loudly they wish to proclaim their contentment!”

Hmmm… I am not sure I buy this reasoning but if it gets Charlotte through a cacophonous day, who am I to argue? 

At Lady D’s we watched in amusement as she held the babes, speaking with each as though you might answer her, while marveling at your beauty and apparent brilliance. She returned each of you, as you became drowsy and your company manners displayed by peacefully dozing were a gift to all of us as each of you napped upon our necks. We enjoyed that tea more than many of the weeks past and were content for the hour.

Lady Denham had, indeed, met with the Vicar and what had resulted was a plan of five events that would last from 6 December until the eve of the new year. I’m sure Reverend Hankins argued well and the result will be enjoyed by the Christians among us as well as the Celts! 

My tiny lady, for you have no name on which we both agree, (for Dearest Darling is my suggestion and your mother finds it far too cumbersome!) you are such a joy! After all, says she we must be practical. I guess she would be right.

I must close this passage, for tonight we have an engagement of much importance. Upon the discovery of Ben’s prominent left cheek dimple, we are going to count them all as soon as you both are bathed and captured between us. I shall recount all those belonging to your mother as well, although she is yet aware of this planned activity. We shall start with your dearest chin and move on to your cheeks and then your knees...” I am ahead of myself, once more!  
Good night, my little lady!


	11. Chapter 11

28 October

Windswept Cottage is a rambling house with many rooms and as I creep through the house this Sunday morning I see every corner filled with Heywoods, in varying sizes and shapes, all sleeping the way only angelic and very exhausted children do.  
Even the not so angelic, so it would seem. Last evening a missing meat pie was blamed on Barker Parker until Charlotte found her younger brothers eating it with nothing but their fingers behind the carriage house and giggling about their thieving prowess. I would like to think the duo christened today might avoid such high jinks, but I will try not expect perfection and hope if they choose to steal meat pies they will also remember to garner a fork! 

Suddenly, I see Charlotte’s father enjoying his pipe in the garden and I join him before breaking my fast. For the several days past we have eaten in shifts and I marvel that we have fed these masses without missing one or feeding several twice!

“Good morning, Sir!” I greet him. “How glad I am you all have come to celebrate our babies on this their naming day.”  
“You have made us most welcome, son, and I am glad to see you all so well situated. Mother told me of her adventures when last she visited and I can well imagine with James and Alison and your brother Tom’s tribe right down the hill that you have only begun to witness the strange and astonishing.” He chuckled, and puffed, and we stood in our silent camaraderie watching the sea.  
“Yes, we wish you would stay longer, advise us on the garden and hold your grandchildren!” I said, with a bit of daring.

“Sidney you are stirring me up! As many times as I have held my own children, to hold such babies as I did your own was entirely different! I can look upon them with enchantment and love, knowing that they are the responsibility of you, and of Charlotte and you have them well in hand! As for becoming a grandfather, it was but a manner of time but I should never have thought to be so much of a Papa still, when I became one!”  
“Charlotte tells me your Emporium will open in time for the holiday, Sidney, and the prospects sound limitless!”  
“Well, I hope that is true! Sanditon is growing, tis true, but without the constant push of London I do not know what to expect.”  
“Expect all good things, Sidney. And if you are kind all of the time, smart most of the time and generous at every opportunity, you will not fail.”  
“Thank you for that advice, Sir! If I also might sell a few goods while being kind, smart and generous, I will succeed indeed!”

“You two, come break your fast! Any more time away from the table and the beastie boys will have left nothing but crumbs!” called Charlotte.  
He put out his pipe and looked at me squarely, “Hear me when I say it, Sidney, you have proven yourself to be a good man! Mother told me all about you helping while Charlotte was giving birth, and you were brave and true! Do not ever second guess your intuition. I know Charlotte believes you can do anything, and now we are convinced too!”

Oh, Little One, I am so touched by your grandfather’s belief in me, but I hardly know how to be such a man! I am sure as your father I will fall short of all you expect! I hope my bigger size will not prevent the merger of our hearts for now that I have met you, I can promise that all I do will be to make sure you and Ben will want for nothing. I can not promise to always be certain how to go about it.

The walk to church was boisterous as we were pushed by the winds and sea air. When Alison and James joined us, we filled the right side of the church and the towns folk tucked themselves around us with cheer and best wishes. The final ring of the bell sounded as Lady Denham slipped into the pew in front of us.  
“My,” said she, most audibly “the whole mob is here! I certainly hope someone has taught them to behave.” Arthur and Diana snickered aloud, but the Haywood multitude was resolute and quiet.  
We welcome this morning the Heywood and Parker families in their entirety.” said the Vicar, jovially. “We often do not have the privilege of many of them in attendance very often and appreciate the fact they can join us today.”  
“Oh, brother,” whispered Charlotte under her breath, “here we go! If he calls us, by name I’m afraid I shall cry.”

“Today I am reading from the book of Ephesians, a letter Paul wrote about the church universal in which he places great emphasis on the unity of the Jews and the Gentiles an the unification of all people in the world who believe in Christ. The point I wish to impart today involves the following verses. Ephesians 1 verse 5 tells us we are all adopted in Christ, much as little Ben has become a Parker, and that God planned our being part of His family from the very beginning. And in Chapter 4, verse 7 Paul reiterates that we are all given sufficient grace for the gifts we have been given. Today we celebrate both adoption and familial grace….” He did drone on for a while, but I was comforted by being in sea of those for whom I care deeply.  
t And then I heard, “Amen.”  
“Benjamin Heywood and Kathleen Olivia Grace, we welcome you and promise to love and guide you.” With a heavy hand he drenched them, each with cool water. Ben led the heavenly chorus with protesting screams as you, my Grace, wept miserably.  
Rather than squeeze back among the curious we walked out the front door to comfort you both on the lawn.

“Charlotte! Why ever are you crying? Are you disappointed in the service?”  
“Never, my love! I was only thinking of her wedding and you may never walk as proudly down the aisle with Grace again, until then.”

I was a bit put out by that statement and said so at once!  
“Grace told me she shall never marry and plans to care for her dear Papa in his dotage while the rest of you all have your grand adventures at my expense!” said I.  
Charlotte laughed at me and rolled her eyes, “Sidney, my love,” she said, “You and I will have so much togetherness the rest of our days that no one, but me, will ever need to look after you in your dotage! And, my love, when exactly will that start, so that I am sufficiently prepared? ...Oh! Lady Denham,” she said, turning her back on me, “How very nice to see you!”  
She is cheeky, but I will love no woman on earth above her!

The party on the lawn at our home ended with many people eating way too much food and the babes under five asleep together in the large bed in our room. You and Ben were tucked nicely into your cradles and a hush hit the bluff as the Heywood family made ready for their departure. It was a day to remember for most, but for me it was the day the rest of the world met a child I’ve known in my heart for many months, and her brother, my boy, who both, we pray, will grow in love for us all.

After the house cleared, I found Crowe sleeping in the library, one foot up on the divan and the other flat on the floor and Barker sprawled happily across his chest.

“Crowe!” I said, shaking him, “Wake up!”  
“I’m not asleep, Parker! I am resting my eyes while watching your dog.”  
“Ah, well, would you like me to ready a guest room?”  
Parker,” said he, sitting up, “I shall head to the Crown for an evening of post religious debauchery! You and Babington no longer carouse to suit me and I shall depart for London tomorrow.”

He placed his hat on his head with only a small amount of fumbling and, after bending to shake hands with our dog, began walking with vigor into the sunset shining through the trees on the cliff walk, toward town.

An auspicious occasion is marked by the events of a day such as this. I am grateful for all who stretched our walls and doubly so for the current peace within them.

Good night, my Kathleen Olivia Grace. Good night, Benjamin Heywood.

15 November

When everything is proceeding with very little anxiety to myself, my inner man goes on high alert. As much as we all wish to slide through our days happily with the expectation that all will stay merry and dear, I begin looking around for what is missing in the details I know. 

The Emporium is set to open on the first of December to much fanfare and welcome. We left the babies with Dulcey and walked to town, enjoying the bright morning.  
How happy I am with my cheery wife and I am most proud of her. I am sure all who realize she is my beloved can not but salve the envy that must rise within them and I am ever humbled by her kindness to every one we meet.  
We greeted the fish monger who promised if we would seek him in his shop later tomorrow he would most happily send us home with the trophies from freshest catch of the day and we stopped in at the Post so Charlotte could send a missive about the double christening to Georgiana.

Entering the Emporium after several stops, our attention was drawn to the rear of the building where a youngish man gestured wildly and punished several booth keepers with an astounding plethora of words that were both damning and rude.

“Excuse me Charlotte! I pray you will wait for me on the street and I will soon sort this out!” You don’t know her quite as well as I do, but I am always surprised when she walks on ahead, unafraid of the fray and wades right in where most would enjoy escaping from all that is uncomfortable.  
“What is your business here?” I asked the man who was red faced and blustering.

“See here, man,” said he, “I am being prevented from performing the tasks assigned by my master by these classless ruffians who dismiss me out of hand!”  
“Who might your master be, sir?” asked Charlotte respectfully steering him away from the gathering. “Tell us how we may assist you, and we shall aid you at once.”

The small clutter of men dispersed as did the red faced man’s anxiety and I followed them to a sunlit and empty corner of the store near the front window. 

“I have been sent by the Marquis de Wilmont to collect the import taxes required for all the French goods to be sold with in this emporium.”  
“How easily remedied is your mission, sir.” I said. “All relative paperwork is filed here in my office and you will find all taxes have been paid.”  
“Perhaps by you,” he said obstinately, “but Monsieur owes for the allowance of being allowed to sell his wares away from Calais, for the Marquis owns his nose and will broker no agreement that allows him the freedom of selling these wares to the masses!”  
“That sounds less like tax and more like extortion!” said Charlotte, before I could speak.  
It was, at this point, she glanced at my face and seeing my outrage decided to extract herself before more evidence of bad temper became evident.

“You must excuse me, for I’m late for tea at Trafalgar House…excuse me!” 

In haste she left me and although I was provoked by her interference, her assessment was not wrong and I leaned toward the man, demanding his response.  
“The Marquis and his wife have been given the license for collection for the whole of the south coast of England and the nose will pay or be shut down.”  
“Lord Babington is my advisor and he holds a current seat in the House of Lords. Meet me here in the morning and I will seek his guidance and input into this situation. In the interim,” I said waving Willis Carpenter forward, “Should you enter our space before you are invited, Mr. Willis will have no problem hauling you before the magistrate for trespass after allowing his men to have their way with you first.  
Now, good day!”

Willis and I watched as the collector straightened his waistcoat sending us a surly look before disappearing toward the docks. We stood, smoking in silence each pondering the importance of such a visitor.  
“Lock up here, Willis and go gather a few men who might serve as both guards and alarm. Leave this to me…Where is the perfumer this morning and how did he miss this collector?  
“Jean Marc went out the back as the man came in the front. Because we did not recognize the visitor we stopped him before he might follow. You and the missus entered then and you know the rest.”  
The smoke offered no solace and as a matter of fact made me feel unsettled. I put it out, realizing how long it had been since last I imbibed and the fact that I had not missed it in the least. When the door was locked, he set off toward the front street to recruit his men and I headed toward Trafalgar, stowing my uneasiness and hoping to corral my wife.

“Oh Sidney,” said Mary. ‘How nice of both of you to visit! Let me get Tom and ring for tea and she left us in the sitting room looking at each other.

“Dammit, Charlotte, do you realize you made a direct accusation of unlawfulness to an apparent ruffian?What would have been my recourse had you been hurt or worse? I am furious with you and relieved in turn! Why are you unable to wait for my lead or to trust that I may know how to proceed?” My voice was low, clipped and menacing. I knew it but I could garner no gentleness.

She got up from the chair by the fire and walked to me.

“I am sorry, Sidney, I spoke before thinking. It is why I departed before I could stir the pot further or cause you more grief.”

Her eyes were enormous and she was unsure of me as I stood to face her.  
We had gone many days without an argument and I did not relish the thought of fireworks before lunch.

“I really ought to take over from John Heywood and spank you soundly before sending you home” I said flippantly.

“My father NEVER spanked me, though perhaps I deserved it on occasion. How dare you, Sidney, treat me like a child when we are equals in our concerns for each other and your business!”

We were chest to chest without touching and I could see the color rising from her neck to layer her cheeks in a multihued blush. She was furious and beautiful and right. I was taking out my temper on her instead of the cad I should have thrown from my business.

I crushed her to me, kissing her soundly. I held her tightly until she relaxed and kissed me back, however hesitantly.

“I AM sorry,” she said. “As am I,” I answered.  
“You would never spank our children, would you? Would you hit a child to inflict pain or make a point?”  
She ask, chin trembling.

“I will…” I started. What she never heard was ‘not’.  
Mary and Tom swept into the room followed by the maid with the tea cart. My lap was soon full of James and I was the beloved Nunc Sid as he showed me a stuffed giraffe Georgiana had sent from London. The girls introduced their dolls. Henry just reached for Charlotte’s hand and stood quietly smiling, sure of his place within my heart and needing no showcase for his affection.  
“This is the first time in several weeks your arms haven’t been filled with babies, Sidney! The children have missed you!” said Mary.  
“Where you dog, Nunc Sid?” asked James  
“He was sprawled between two cradles when last time I saw him! I am sure he was chasing seagulls in his sleep!”  
They all giggled and charmed us and I offered appropriate answers but my mind was on my wife from whom I was feeling angst and disappointment.  
Charlotte was distant during tea, but if Tom and Mary noticed they made no outward suggestion of it.  
But I noticed. For months I had watched her expressions when I was no more than fascinated by how quickly a storm moved her soul, her passions were deeply felt, eloquently expressed and set aside only when a clear resolution had been presented.  
I knew our walk home would offer such a moment and I hoped for the ability to express myself well, knowing how frustrating it felt all the times in the past when I could not adequately express myself.

“I will donate two enormous banners announcing the opening of the new emporium! They will read,” continued Tom enthusiastically, “Tom Parker presents: The Grand Opening of Sidney Parker’s Excellent Emporium!”  
“Oh brother,” said I, “Thank you. Please do not have those produced on behalf of the Emporium! I have great announcements well in hand and I am eager to show the banners I have purchased. I will of course accept your suggestions on the placement of them and on the reception I wish to hold on opening day!”

“Certainly, certainly!” enthused Tom, “and with Charlotte there to reinforce your plans, I am sure she will not steer you wrong! Right, Charlotte?”  
“Oh… I will be so busy with the babies, Tom, that I may not be much involved. I am most confident Sidney will be most thorough without my interference.”  
“Speaking of babies, I must head home to see that all is well. So if you’ll excuse me, Mary. Tom. I will be on my way while Sidney stays on to visit with you longer.”  
“Good bye dear children said she, kissing and hugging them, “Come up the hill soon and we will bake ginger bread!”

Before I could respond, she was gone and a frisson of anxiety settled around my heart.

“Is Charlotte not feeling well, Sidney? Her teacup is almost full! It is as though she never touched it!”

As soon as I was able, I too, left Trafalgar House. As I started up the rise to Windswept I could have sworn I saw the ‘collector’ turning the corner on the path toward town on the road back toward the Emporium.

I hope Babers has some words of advice, for there are many obstacles between the English and the French and a bit of enticing perfume was hardly worth the risk of life, limb or profit.

In the library I find Charlotte, a baby under the shawl that covered her breast and another asleep in the crook of her arm. I reach to lift Grace and she settles against me with little puffs of soft breath and contentment.  
“Charlotte, I…”  
“Stop! Hear me, Sidney! If you ever hit me or show violence to our children I will go home to Willingden and I will not forgive you!  
I wanted to assure her, to say anything that would possibly reassure her.

“My darling! I will never hit you, hurt our children with any touch, neither with cruelty! Please…hear me! This is my pledge to the three of you! I’m shattered that you could even think I might!”

The tears were pouring down her cheeks and I hated that any subject related to me would ever cause such apprehension.

“Please...” but she had walked away.

I write in hope that an answer rises up from the ink on this page to allow me to express how small a concern this should be for her or for you, my Little Ones! I want her to understand that my threat of spanking her was made half in jest and half with the desire to reach the part of her that remains vocal when silence would be the better course of action. The jest was poorly done and I am ashamed.  
Little ones, to you I make this promise: My arms will be your harbor and my hands will never strike you in anger. 

My enjoyment of boxing does not apply to any situation that may arise in our home. I am not a practicing pugilist, from this moment on.

“Sidney,” calls Charlotte, “Come to me.”  
And so I go.


	12. Chapter 12

16 November

Your mother led me to the library and to my favorite chair in front of the fire. She pulled the bench in front of me so that she could sit close to me and speak, eye to eye.

“Sidney since first we met, I have witnessed your singular attempts to ignore, manage, bully and care for those you hold in high esteem. You and I have a history of misunderstanding each other. I was, and am impressed, at so many years of your choosing to extricate yourself from those not in your immediate family, to appear unfeeling and rude, that you are able to love us so completely. You often rely on my deepening physical attraction to you to silence my arguments or derail my temperament. Today was just the latest example!”

I reached for her, to touch her. She left me bereft and would not allow our hands their connection.

“See what I mean?” said she, before reaching for my hand. “Should you kiss me I would, even now, be lost and senseless, and this would be a misplaced conversation, left for another day.”

“Today brought back a memory from three years before Tom and Mary came to Willingden. I was out hunting rabbits with my brothers. We found a huddled girl in our high pasture, beaten and bruised. Her face was without mark and had she not cried out in pain when we helped her stand, we would not have known of her plight.”  
“You see, her father had beaten her over a spilled pail of milk while she was seeing to their cow. Not a small thing to be sure, but his treatment of her did not gather a single drop of what was lost and his temper made running away her only option. My mother and I dressed her wounds, placed her on a cot with my younger sister and my father set out to meet with her father. His response was to demand the immediate return of his daughter or my father would face his wrath as well.” She continued.  
“So, return her he did. Well fed and clothed, timidity still most evident, she went home to her parents who welcomed her back with no fanfare and sent her to the barn to sleep for her punishment. You see, Sidney, she belonged to her father and was his to beat or kiss by equal measure! No protection and no choice had she! On three other occasions after our initial meeting, we found her. Her lovely face protruding from a body so badly scarred and broken that her walk was impaired for several months, her smile had vanished and she looked no other being in the eyes."

Charlotte paused in relaying her story and started to pace. I simply sat, understanding her anxiety but still not able to reconcile the story with her concern that I would ever discipline a child thus.

“Eventually my father returned to her farm and ‘bought’ her from her father. She came to live with us and it took many months for her to understand that spilling ash from the grate or a dropped dish would not be repaid with violence.”

“Charlotte, I would never participate in anything so cruel or monstrous! How can a comment about spanking you parlay into such a discussion? You are my dearest heart. Have ever I sought to control or manipulate you?”  
“No, you have not, my beloved.”  
“Then why are you suddenly so very afraid that I ever would succumb to vent my temper with such base actions? Her father was neither her caretaker nor a man as far as I am concerned! He had sacrificed his humanity by acting like an animal!”  
“Yes, yes, I agree. But let me finish.”

"Her father was a member of the gentry, as far as we knew, but he was actually a Lord and widowed. She was a child of his second wife and he married beneath his station. Laying the fault for his continued fall from society and wealth was placed firmly at his daughter’s feet. His title offered her no respite and he would not spend a farthing to ensure her future. For several years she lived with us, marveling that her work was never rewarded with pain. I tell you all of this because I will not have our peace destroyed by a jest about spanking or hitting or even the action of such. It has taken Dulcey almost seven years to be still when a loud noise startles or to avoid panic when a task is not perfected.”

“Dulcey? That unfortunate young woman was Dulcey? But she is employed as our maid and cook! She who is the daughter of a lord!”

“Yes, she is my love, but she is where she chooses to be. She is a dear friend who trusts us to harbor her gently and safely. It is not only my children and myself for whom I share this story. If you find this secret burdensome, I can send her home.”

She then reached for me and I felt nothing but compassion for Dulsey.  
“Charlotte, she is home! How poorly must be her opinion of my distance and behavior! I have shown her no ill will, but my distance has shown her no apparent respect either. I apologize that I am so apparently ignorant of my immediate household! Gads! She cooks and cleans and looks after us all, with such care and gentleness that I am humbled.”

Charlotte spent the evening hours in my lap by the fireside and I marvel at her realization of my need to understand. I am faulted, Little Ones, with assuming that people are all they appear to be and I should have learned by now that this is not always true. I have castigated your mother in the past for making assumptions and I will seek to remedy myself of this habit.

Dulcey’s story stayed with me into the next day when I walked to town to meet with Babington at the Crown.  
“Have you ever heard of a gentleman’s daughter, choosing to live beneath her societal rank, to preserve her comfort rather than take her place in polite society?” I said to him.  
He looked at me speculatively before answering. “My sister Augusta’s ladies’ maid was the daughter of a Lord and when he died, leaving her with no foot forward, Augusta brought her home where she has been these ten years since. Why? What are you wondering?”  
I shrugged, not willing to share Dulcey’s story.  
“So busy are we fitting in on the prescribed ladder of society, that we miss so much of the facts of life for so many less fortunate,” said Babington. “This opinion is the bane of my existence in the House of Lords, for these thoughts expressed often categorizes me as a Whig when arguments ensue.”

“Tell me about this “collector” then,” said he, deftly changing the subject, “I know he is not acting in any office sanctioned by the Crown. I would speculate he is playing at intimidation and fear to shake loose a few coins. Would not be the most unusual scheme I have ever heard!”

A niggling suspicion that his comment referred to Eliza’s intent to entrap me at my families’ lowest point entered my mind, but I chose to ignore it, choosing to order food and another battle of port. Later we would tour the Emporium and Babers pulled Jean Marc aside to discuss a present for Esther awhile waiting for the collector to return. The nervous Frenchman was distracted and Babers patiently calmed him while I wandered around envisioning the stalls filled with the curious and those intent on shopping for gifts.

The collector did not return and when I entered the cottage this evening the smell of a delectable meal filled every corner of the house. Dulcey and Charlotte were removing fresh bread from the oven and I went to check on the babies down the hall.

Standing between the cradles, looking down at my dozing children was the collector! In my home! He appeared to be trying to choose which babe to steal and which to leave behind.  
Both women came running at my shout, the dog barking loudly and the man fled by the window as I chased him into the early night.

Little ones, thankfully you slept through the turmoil! We ate our dinner with our arms full of babies. Tonight, if I sleep, it will be with one eye open with vigilance! I wonder at the audacity of the man and his true purpose in daring to fracture the safety of our home.

Charlotte moved Dulcey to our side of the house, feigning the need for her closer help with the children. Even though the Babington’s young baby nurse is still here, Ann gladly made space for her in the larger room closer to ours and the house has settled into night as I write in this diary, hoping for dawn to arrive faster and no further disturbance of our night.

Sweet dreams, Grace. Blessings, Ben. Your Papa awaits the adventure of tomorrow relieved you are safe and home.


	13. Chapter 13

18 November

Before I was ready to leave the house, Babington arrived with Magistrate Sommes. It only took a quick note, delivered to Babers at Sanditon House by Dulcey as she walked to town. When I started to describe the collector, I found my memory faulty at best.

“If you please, Sir,” said Ann “I have a knack for drawing. She handed him a sketch that was made from the over the shoulder glance the man gave us all before leaving by the window. It was a simple rendering, perfectly wrought and Charlotte looked at me in wonder.  
Not only was the face of the man recognizable, his clothing was impeccably drawn.  
“Thank you, Ann,” said Babington, with his trademark smile and kindness, “We have a greater chance of catching him more quickly now.” 

It was with reluctance I left Charlotte and you babes behind to venture into town, but Lady Susan’s most recent correspondence had been delivered by Dulcey from the post, a letter from your Gran and a elaborate parcel from Georgiana. I knew that your mother would not miss me at all. 

Would the collector show his face again so soon, and in daylight hours? I began chewing the end of my thumb as we walked and Babington said, “At least smoke, man! Your nervous gnawing is putting me off.”

“Listen Sidney, those three women in your house are formidable. I would pit your wife, armed with a cricket bat, against the worst of human opponents and Dulcey and Ann would, no doubt, follow her lead!”  
“Do not worry, we will get the man!”  
A few more steps later,“You do have a cricket bat, do you not?” he queried.  
“Several!” I responded.  
“Well then.” he said  
Yes, “Well then,” I echoed.

The Emporium was fully stocked and the workers scurried around cheerfully. All would be ready at the end of the month and if we were successful the weeks before Christmas, that success would help carry us through the darkest days of winter.

With a few miniscule differences, the Emporium was the summation of all Lady Susan loved about her favorite places to shop on the continent of which I had noted every detail. There were bolts of exotic fabrics and spices from the Orient, a stationary shop and plenty of drink for purchase. 

George III’s mother, Princess Augusta, founded the gardens of KEW in 1789. The gardener who sent the famous pineapple to Lady Denham for the notorious luncheon held on behalf of my ward, Georgiana Lamb, now Georgiana Molyneaux, was now a gardener there having ceased his work for the Chelsea Physic Garden. He is my connection, planning to vacation in Sanditon in the spring bringing with him flowering plants and shrubs which we will sell.  
My memory of that luncheon seemed like an ancient event in the life of someone else and yet I can but think of it and Charlotte’s face as she admonished my nasty snobbery comes to mind as though yesterday.  
… Said she: “Better still, you might try to be civil…But not with me, pray.” Her pointed refusal to acknowledge me in any friendly view had placed the seed of appreciation for her fortitude and honesty so deeply within my mind that I fell in love with her before I had even considered the possibility of truly liking her. The scenarios in which I pointedly dismissed her out of hand folded into the days when I could not survive thinking I would have to live without her.

Babington was enthralled as Jean Marc waved a selected fragrance beneath his nose. It lingered in the air and wafted over to where I was standing. I always thought Eliza wore an enormous amount of scent, and I had no notion of Charlotte having any preference for it. If the ladies of Sanditon all choose a different scent and they wear it to church on the same Sunday, Reverend Hankins will be sure to have it banned. I must admit the thought of him in sneezing fits in the pulpit gave me a moment of amusement but it also made me aware of our need to allow Jean Marc to test his wares out of doors or we would all be tired of them within hours.

My walk to the back of the property was to inspect what might pass for ventilation and I was looking up when I tripped over a man crouched in the alley. He turned and shoved me and before I could get a recognizable face in mind, he had turned the corner and disappeared. Who, but he? 

I rushed to Babers to relay my suspicions and we ran the sea front trying to find a glimpse of him.  
The magistrate was pinning a wanted poster up on the door of the Post. Ann’s picture, most prominent and faithfully duplicated was prominent. It would frighten him away or get him caught. I do not care which will occur, I only know I want his interference in my venture to cease and my family, safe./p>

My arrival home was hardly noticed. Charlotte was sprawled, most unladylike, on the floor in front of the fire simply watching two babies kicking and moving their arms happily. She crooned to them and laughed at them discovering her voice. They were focusing on her lips. Ben gurgled as she kissed his belly and Grace seemed to smile with her whole face. The scene was adorable and I drank you all in with my eyes.

Dulcey came to call us for tea and Charlotte stood gracefully to greet me. “Would you bring it in here, Dulcey? I would have Mr Parker enjoy his babies by the fireside.”

We sat on the floor and gazed at the babies. You both have no cares other than those of self discovery. Your bellies are full and you both are simply adored.

Soon, you nodded off in synchronized slumber and we spent another hour speaking of Lady Susan’s upcoming visit for Christmas, the events ongoing in Willingden and Georgiana and her theatre experiences in London. 

“We are here, simply watching our babies,” I said, teasing Charlotte, “Would not you rather be out on the town, at a night at the opera in Lady Susan’s private box, dressed in silk while being watched with envy by the Ton?”  
“I can honestly say, kind Sir,” she said smiling, “there is nowhere on earth I’d rather be, listening to their singing snores...and yours!”

So sure am I that I never snore that I tickled her without mercy until she agreed with this fact! Your mother was crying trying to keep silent so you both will stay asleep!

My dear little ones, my sweet Grace and my stalwart Ben: There IS nowhere else I would rather be than where you are, and if your Mother is with us, there is no happier man on the face of the earth.

Sweet Dreams


	14. Chapter 14

18 November

No further disturbance has occurred. The Babbingtons have traveled to London to return in a fortnight. He wishes to inquire into the business of the Marquis and I have enough on my mind to permit him to do so without further thought, until I hear his result.

In the interim I have been brooding an excessive amount about gingerbread and cricket bats! Tom and Mary will spend several days up the coast in Brighton and we have agreed for my nieces and nephews to come to us for several days. They bring their Nanny Bess and the addition of five to our abode has me thinking of all this will ensue.

James and Allison came this morning with a nesting set of the strangest wooden boxes I had ever seen. Before Stringer could explain his handiwork, Tom arrived with the children and their veritable sea of special toys, blankets, books and disagreements.

Tom departed quickly leaving us to wonder where we might begin our adventure. Barker Parker, drawn to the din of voices and high pitched laughter came skidding into the drawing room wrinkling the rug and clipping James legs from beneath him. A vase wobbled on the table, deftly saved by Nanny Bess and Charlotte watched the mayhem with humor.

“I have bever been around quieter children in my life! How glad I am that you have come to our house to alleviate our boredom!” 

Her good mood extended the warmth of her welcome and we all trooped to the kitchen where Dulcey was placing bowls along the table so the gingerbread might be made by all.

I was at my most content, both babies in my arms and looking on with appreciation without too much required involvement.

Charlotte and Bess moved quickly among the children. Inspecting hands for obvious dirt and tying anything that might serve as an apron around tiny waists. I had forgotten James and Alison were near when the boxes reappeared and the two dived right into the ruckus to pass them out.  
“The big green box is belongs to James, the red to Henry and the blue and yellow to Jenny and Alisha!”

“Thank you, Mr Stringer,” ventured Henry, “I’ve never made anything in the kitchen before… what do we put in the boxes?”

In two seconds flat, the wooden boxes were upended, becoming stair steps with large solid bases, boosting each child by size, which leveled their heights, allowing all to access the baking with ease.  
Alison smiled and accepted Charlotte’s hug with appreciation. “James is brilliant and he has worked on this idea for a week,” she said smiling. I was amazed that a man with no child in his house could imagine such a need and fulfill that need with so little apparent effort.

It is brilliant and I asked about his willingness to sell his designs in the Emporium.  
“Sidney,” he answered, as I followed him to the door, “How glad am I that they are useful, but the design must be truly down to Alison, who measured children when she could catch them and painted into the early hours as I finished each. Thanks all the same, but I will stay with our cradle I am making. We will fill it quite well, by March.”

“Well, let me know should you change your minds,” I told him, “You could have a side business we might name ‘Stringer Designs’!”

It was at this point, that Dulsey entered the hall with a cricket bat, holding it, not by the handle, but up top and in front of her as though the thought of how it might be used had never been explained.  
“Let me put the babies down with Ann and I will return to give you a lesson on swinging that bat, should you wish to participate in the Cricket some day,” I said, smiling.

“I have no desire to do so,” she answered, “I thought to put this in the umbrella stand for lack of a better place. It was taking up too much room in the lauder.  
“There may come a place in time, when swinging this bat with all your strength may save your life or that of a member of my family. Let us give it a go, shall we?”

Out into the garden we went and, in just a moment, she had a nice even swing worthy of a match or an unsuspecting intruder. 

“Ann has a bat in our room, Mr Parker, and I am glad I might now do my part should it be required to protect our family.”

Her startled expression added emphasis to her words and she blushed and turned away. “Oh, I …”  
“It is quite alright, Dulsey, Charlotte and I feel you are, most certainly, a member of our family!”

“Thank you, Mr Parker,” she mumbled, before placing the bat, handle up in the middle of the umbrellas and scurrying back to the sounds of laughter at the back of the house. 

Our kitchen was full of busy little people, working among clouds of flour and spice. If their efforts were met with success, our evening meal will be filled with flavor and fun.

“I think I’ll walk to town, Charlotte, but I’ll not tarry. As soon as I am confident all is proceeding well, I will return. Might I deliver anything to the Post?”

I gathered what she offered me and set off for town, with the wind at my back and the weather promising a cold but vibrant afternoon.

No one had seen the collector in the flesh but his face seemed to stare at me from every wall onto which his face had been plastered, announcing his status as a wanted man. Jean Marc was unworried and the Emporium was filled with work and good cheer. 

After helping move crates and insuring I was redundant in every other effort remaining, I turned to the Post before heading for home.

Only one letter awaited me, It was most welcome and casually written:

Parker,  
I plan to arrive for Christmas on the 4th and will stay for several  
weeks should your guest room still be in the offing. I promise Tom  
I shall dance at the Christmas ball and mind my manners should  
Lady Denham question my capability.  
I need more babies in my life!

Uncle Crowe 

Charlotte would be pleased for another at the holiday table. Since Lady Susan would spend her nights at Sanditon house, Crowe would cause no ripple in the happy days ahead and he will be most welcome.

I found them all in the library, with nothing but firelight highlighting the shadows in the late afternoon gray. Charlotte was standing in front of the fire sharing a story of pirates and treasures, sea voyages and the one misunderstood marauder who would require the special love of a child to be appreciated before reaching his full potential.

I gathered my children to me, having perfected the double arm scoop that placed a baby upon either side of my chest. I settled on the floor next to Henry falling into the magic of the story.

My mind began to wander, my Little Ones! Not so long ago I was the lost marauder, the outlier with no anchor. Now I am fully secured in the hope that you, my Ben and Grace, will never know the ache of the wicked pirates of life, outside those in storybooks and legends. 

We lingered, having our tea at a floor picnic before tumbling toward bed.

The promises of the future light your dreams, my darlings! You have stolen my heart with the certainty of sunshine and rain.

Good night!


	15. Chapter 15

25 November

I simply forgot. 

Trust me, the irony is not lost on me as I muscle up the courage to go find Charlotte and tell her Crowe will be our guest at Christmas. She will not mind the houseguest. She will, no doubt, be reminded that I have waited until I have already urged Ann to go to York to see her family for the holidays. We will be shorthanded, it is true. 

I shouted at her, more than once, before we married, venting my temper over situations that were neither changed by my reaction nor lessened by my inability to see that the real foundation of fault could usually be placed firmly at my feet. The memoies of these episodes are abhorrent to me.

“Sidney, I am so pleased that our house will hold only the five of us this Christmas! We can hasten to the parties and events for which our presence is required and come home to enjoy our family without being required to entertain! We will not have the worry about formal menus and the presentation of a perfect holiday. While the babies are small, don’t you want to stay casually at home when the schedule allows you to be away from the Emporium?”

“Charlotte, my dear Charlotte… I did not tell you that Crowe wrote to us to say the holidays would find him able to spend several weeks here with us through Christmas. I got so caught up in the Emporium and the other moments of our days that I simply forgot!”

Her eyes sparked as she squared off and looked at my face with such an enigmatic smile I felt a bit sick.

When Georgiana was kidnapped after the town cricket and Charlotte had forgotten to act as her chaperone, I had been hard on her…I shouted at her, ‘You forgot…YOU FORGOT!?’ I placed the blame for anything that might happen to my ward squarely at her feet and then I stomped away. My temper provoked her trip to London, by herself, to save Georgiana. If it had not been for her intelligent assessment of the facts when we connected on our shared mission, Georgiana would have been lost.  
The tables were turned now and I knew that her quiet plans were crumbled at her feet.  
Charlotte smiled wickedly, “Why Mr Parker, should my carefully constructed plan to do as little as possible during the next few weeks fall by the wayside, I will put that regrettable blame at your feet.”

I wonder at the choice she makes to love me when she could even the score of my past with her censure. But she never does, as much as she may wish to do so.

“Crowe can be a bit of a handful, darling,” I said trying to make amends. “Perhaps I can shovel him off to the Crown so that the time might be our own.”

Have you answered him? “Yes.” I had sent a most welcoming note by return post.  
“He would be most lonely and have no choice but to entertain the bar maids for the holiday and that would be a terrible action to encourage on our part.” said she, sagely. “He will be welcome when he comes, my love.”

“Thank you, Charlotte.” I was chagrined that her response was so gracious.  
“You worry too much, Sidney! Just think, Barker Parker will be delighted to see a favorite friend and Crowe is always complimentary of my pantry.”

In as much as this menial discussion passed between us, neither of us thought we should tell Dulcey.

Arthur has arrived with a pair of rocking horses with silky horsehair manes and leather saddles from a toy store he discovered in Italy. He traveled to Milan with Diana last summer. The pair of you babies are a bit small for the pair of these horses and with you being only months old, they may be turned out to pasture before ever being ridden!

Arthur’s enthusiasm is a gift to all of us who love him. If he misses the mark on occasion, the other times when his profound wisdom is expressed is spot on and makes up for any lapse. I am prodigiously fond of my brother and so delighted that Charlotte loves him, too.  
He is spending this evening in Tom’s study, placing the final filigree on a puppet theatre the foursome will receive on the 6th of December. I anticipate much hilarity should Arthur direct their shows. Diana will present the puppets.

I often think Diana would become a lovely wife and mother, but her being alone only gives her license to worry over potential frailties with little distraction.

Dearest little ones, could it be that my wish for all who search to find their truest love follow my steps to their beloved? I pray they find their match far faster that did I without such devastating detours into avoidable heartache.

Sleep well, Ben. Dream sweetly, Grace. Your father and mother love you and pray this season of gifts and gratitude fills your lives with peace.

“Sidney, are you writing a book?” says Charlotte, sliding her hands over my shoulders just now.

“No my love, merely jotting down a record of the day… and more reasons why I love you.”  
“By all means, continue with your task! Let me not distract you!”

Alas, too late! Distracted I am and I am most inclined to follow her soft laughter to our room.

Good night!


	16. Chapter 16

30 November

The runner from the Post sprinted up the Cliff Walk and then jogged up the path to Windswept. I was palming a teacup in the early morning light, staring at the distant beach as low tide sifted the sand. It was the start of a typical winter day, crisp and chilled, with gusts of wind complaining at the doors and windows. Barker met the man with growls and excited yelping but flipped quickly onto his back for a belly rub before joining the young man at the door.  
Might I just state, for the record, that Barker Parker has no future as a watch dog.

“If you please, Sir, a large clapboard wagon has arrived at the Emporium and your assistance is immediately required for the direction of the contents. The driver, he do not got a plan for where to leave it! Tis cumbersome and blocking the street to the quay.”  
“Tell him I follow on your heels and I will have all sorted within the hour.”

I returned to our room where Charlotte was just waking. The warmth of our bed and the softness her face, still wrinkled and sleepy, tempted me to tarry, but I did not succumb to her unintentional charms.  
“I am off to town,” said I, dressing quickly. “No worries, all is well!”  
Her mumbled, “Good morning,” was muffled in her pillow as she rolled over to snare just a few moments more of sleep. I kissed her head drinking in, as ever I do, the miracle of her presence in my life. Then I left her to meet my day.

The enormous wagon was causing quite the rough discussion when I arrived, as other shops were blocked and inconvenienced. I marveled that so many in the town were already busy as they brought fish from the docks and buns from the bakery.

“The driver went to the Crown for a cuppa, just leaving it here,” called Mr. Heely. “Tis why there is an alley but twas too big!”

I hastened to the Crown where I found the only pair in the bar, breaking fast and in a deep discussion.  
“Babers! Well met!”  
“Hello, Parker! Meet Lady Denham’s gamekeeper Jeb Smyth. We have been busy this morning planning our delivery! Esther will be but an hour behind us, and she brings another parcel from Kew.”

“I will admit my mind is full of details from the Emporium and all are muddled when one the babies smiles or gurgles, but I am struggling to recall the details of this delivery,” I answered.

Babington, already sunny and focused for so early in the morning, just smiled.

“That is because it is a Christmas surprise, my friend, and all down to Esther, if I’m honest. I am naught but her faithful emissary. She and the children will arrive at Sanditon House in time for tea. So when we finish our task here, we are to gather Charlotte and convene at her aunt’s for the planning of our holidays to come.”

It was all so mysterious and sounded more like the organization of a military campaign than that of a holiday.  
I found Baber’s enthusiasm contagious and was dumbfounded when we reached the Emporium. Jeb was unloading centimeters of spooled garland, crates of ribbons, bows and decorations. There were barrels of brined vegetables and baskets of fresh oranges, bags of coffee as well as tea from Harrogate and other fruits and nuts.

“Once the Emporium simply exudes Christmas,” said he, “the dressed haunches of venison from Sanditon Park will be delivered to the town’s most needy families, along with a brace of rabbit and bottles of ass milk.”  
I was awed by Lady D’s generosity. The final baskets were all tagged with names and the driver pulled away to finish his deliveries.

Willis and his wife borrowed a ladder from James. James and Alison came straight away, fueled by curiosity, and stayed to help. In a very little time, the front of the Emporium was festooned with garland and holly. Lanterns with candles were placed by the doors and the banner announcing our opening tomorrow was strung across the street.

My vision for the festive event was decidedly less involved, as I am never drawn to the elaborate when simple will suffice. Esther and Babington had decidedly raised the bar.

More than impressed with the deliveries being made on behalf of Lady Denham, I voiced my awe to Babers while we walked back through town to gather Charlotte and appear as requested for tea.  
“There were six and twenty families on the list Jeb Smythe had this morning and I got the impression Lady D’s generosity might be fueled by a bargain she made with the vicar!” he told me.  
I filed that morsel of information away, eager to tell Charlotte about our beautiful store front and thank Esther for thinking of me on her recent jaunt to London.

Sanditon House was bustling and an enormous tree was being manipulated into place in the drawing room by 3 perspiring footmen, directed by Esther who marched around their efforts issuing instructions in the voice of a general.  
Charlotte was wide-eyed in wonder as the men scurried up the ladder placing tinsel ornaments and candle clips in a scattered array. A box of delicate crystals dangled from ribbons and seashells painted with swirls of gold leaf, hung among the branches creating a perfectly beautiful assortment of sparkling treasures.

“Whatever inspired you?” asked Charlotte of Lady Denham, “The tree is exceedingly beautiful and I’ve never seen anything like it!” 

“You must direct your questions to Lady Susan! I believe Princess Charlotte is responsible for this passing fad! There is enough day to day mess to deal with without dragging the outside in, but all would not placate Esther until it was done in magnificent fashion.”

“There you are Charlotte,” Lady Susan greeted her, “I am so pleased to see you.”  
“Sidney, well met!” she kissed her fingers and sent me a salute. “I expected the faces of two frazzled new parents. Two babes and a business seem to equal a blissful front. I am so pleased to find you thus!”

Were we? Blissful? I know that I am very happy to have so much to plan and manage. But is Charlotte as happy?  
She would let me know if she were not. Wouldn’t she?

Lady Susan walked to Windswept, followed by a maid, and planned to spend what was left of the afternoon hugging the babies and catching up with Charlotte. I walked behind them, amused that Charlotte was almost dancing along as she shared the news about the recent gingerbread party and the other events of the family.  
We walked up the front walk to find Dulcey wringing her hands, the cricket bat at her feet.

“I swung hard, Sir, just like you instructed. I think, though, he may not be the collector!”

Crumpled at her feet in the hall was the body of a man. He was sporting a nasty lump growing from a knot on his head. It was increasing in size with every ragged breath he uttered. Charlotte realized at once it was the prostrate Crowe. He was clearly knocked out and battered! Dulcey began to wail as she realized she had mistaken our friend for an unwanted intruder.

As Charlotte flew into action, placing a pillow under his head, I placed the cricket bat back in the umbrella stand and looked askance at Dulcey.

“He walked through the door without knocking and before I thought about it, his size and the bright red of his topcoat overcame my senses… and there he lays!”

“My word, girl,” said Lady Susan, “You must have a swing that would strike fear in the best of bowlers!”  
She stepped beyond Crowe to settle in the drawing room by the fire and I dragged him in, closing the door among the excited yelping of Barker.

“Would you go get Dr. Fuchs, Sidney?” asked Charlotte with concern. “His head is swelling quickly and I want to make sure nothing else was injured when he fell.”

So off I went, marveling that Charlotte’s personality could span handling a disaster and interacting with unspoiled, child-like joy in the matter of one half hour.  
‘Poor Crowe, I thought as I walked. He’s going to have one hell of a headache.’  
I met the doctor walking for exercise upon the path. He sent his apprentice back to retrieve his bag from town. We met Babington coming over to ask if he might borrow Ann for a visit with his children before she left for York.

“Nothing is ever simple with you, Sidney!” admonished he. “Did you not think to tell Dulcey not to take a swing at a guest in daylight hours?”  
He shook his head in consternation. I knew he was right but, in her defense, Crowe was three days early and had entered with out knocking. As sorry as I was for the state of Crow’s head, she had acted quickly as had I required of her! Oh, Dear Lord in heaven! I had forgotten to tell her Crowe was coming to stay.

“All fault is my own, Babers, and we did not expect Crowe for a few days hence. Dulcey had no expectation of his visit at all because I forgot to inform her,” I growled.

We wrestled Crowe’s dead weight into a guest room and left Dr Fuchs and Charlotte to settle him. I found Dulcey with her back against the outside wall of the house, leaning forward with her face in her apron as she wept.

“Mr Parker, tell me! Is your friend dead?”

“Not in the least! I believe you will find he needs assistance as his head clears in the next few days. He is, no doubt, delirious if not concussed.”

“I am most sorry!” said she, twisting her hands nervously, “I sincerely meant him harm, but not death.”

I am most certain this fact will bring Crowe comfort when next he wakes.

“The lump on his head swells outward which is good, Fraulein, and he must rest well until the ache subsides. Look in on him often, but a few days of quiet will work wonders. He will soon be good as new! Good day,” said Dr Fuchs, bowing. And off he went.

A beat of silence flowed through the room and then all were pulled back into action. Charlotte gave Ben to me. She handed Grace to Susan. She nodded for Babington and Dulcey to follow her to Crowe’s room.  
Lady Susan’s peal of laughter was soft and musical. Grace promptly fell asleep, cuddled comfortably against her fur trimmed collar.

“I must say, Sidney, you wear these babies like they were stylish accessories and I am a bit surprised with your constant smile and easy manner. Good for you! You and Charlotte deserve this happiness and I pray it lasts lifelong!” 

“Thank you, My Lady.”  
“Lord Babington tells me a rogue has imposed himself upon your business and I am most curious to learn of his identity. The Prince Regent assured us there is no tax emissary seeking funds from the French and no one entitled to solicit tax outside the official offices.”

“This is unusual,” I said and reddened when she noticed I was swaying to comfort Ben, “I hope you will visit the Emporium tomorrow as we open to the town at ten o’clock.”  
‘So I shall,” said she returning her attentions to you, charming Grace, as you dreamed, smiling in your sleep.

Dulcey passes my door with soup for the groggy Crowe who has yet to shed his headache but seems most grateful for his nurse. I wonder if he remembers it was she who swung the bat?

I rouse Barker Parker with my foot and I wrap up my thoughts of the day with this:  
Tomorrow is the first day of our new business, my dear Little Ones. May it prosper at the rate we are growing in our love for each other and may we always be grateful for the unexpected gifts masquerading as our friends.

Goodnight Ben! Sweet dreams, dear Grace.


	17. Chapter 17

1 December

I was unable to sleep night before last. I walked through the house in a loop. Barker and I walked around the garden. I drank water and checked on Crowe. Everyone taking rest was snoring and comfortable. I went back to bed, and after trying to kiss Charlotte into wakefulness, she groaned into her pillow and sat up.

“Sidney,” she said, sleepily, “You are leaving a path on the floor! What is it that  
haunts your slumber?”  
“I have placed all of our futures at risk,” I stated. “Charlotte! What if no one comes? I am asking the town to embrace a bit of the exotic on Front Street! What if Sanditon only embraces the same and the known? If Mrs Jenkins does not want tea from Harrogate or fabric from Milan? What if Mr Carter finds tobacco from the Americas more pungent than he prefers, leaving my offerings to mold and expire upon the displays?”

I heard the pitiable desperation in my own voice and the frailty of it sickened me. I could clearly see my weakness, as Charlotte must, and I was appalled at my inability to keep from pouring my worries upon her. 

“Sidney. You must have faith in yourself! Not in your ability to garner perfection! No man on earth can do that, not even you! You have compiled the interesting, the useful and the strange, all under one roof! How proud I am that you can step away, leaving all for Willis to manage! In as much as you trust him, trust yourself!”

Charlotte was kind and soft. She never takes the opportunity to point out my faults! The store front was most appealing! We would offer so many things the townspeople would need, in one place, surely all would embrace this advantage!

I climbed back in bed beside her and she gathered me to her like she might James or Henry or Jenny. My habit was to place my arms around her, but this time she gathered me in her arms and I fell asleep against her shoulder, comforted and warm, able to settle.

As soon as the light filtered through the room, I went to town. Walking the beach from the cliff, I entered the town arriving on Front Street to see Allison and Mary passing out small cups of tea to their neighbors, many of whom were lining up, checking lists with their bags and baskets in hand. Their cumulative breath was mixing with the steam from their teacups and the chill just heightened the excitement. Willis and I opened much earlier than planned, him managing, me greeting and thanking our visitors. I have talked tide tables and fishing, French scents and Madagascar spices until my face hurts.

Dark was full upon me as the cliff walk led ever upward, gratefully I turned toward home. I had not strength to swing my cane and exhaustion encapsulated my soul with a numbing grip. 

The babes were asleep, Crowe was sitting up, and my smiling wife led me to a chair where she sat, rubbing away the fatigue and ache from the arches of my feet.

“Our first day was unbelievably successful Charlotte! Some came for the novelty and found reason to buy!”

“Are you hungry? Arthur left some port wine and I can make you toast. Perhaps six or seven slices?” she mimicked, sounding uncannily like my brother. I laughed softly, putting my head back against the chair.

It was into this scene that Crowe strolled. His head, still bound in a rakish bandage, seemed lopsided. Although he had not imbibed he was still wobbling and a bit unfocused.

“Please sit here by the fire, Mr Crowe! You and Sidney can share your news while I put together something you might eat.” 

“So, tell me about the days ahead,” said Crowe, “Now that I am in Sanditon for the holidays I am all amazed at Charlotte’s talk of a Ball, a party at the venerable Lady Denham’s, a children’s celebration, shooting and fishing and a baked goods bazaar! I shall participate in all with great enthusiasm!”

“Really?” I said “I had no idea that the anticipation of an afternoon with the children of Sanditon would hold such great appeal for you, Crowe!”  
“Don’t be droll, Parker! Perhaps you and Babers can count me as a reformed friend, sitting by your smiling firesides and longing for the charms of the domesticity I have witnessed! I will begin to roll if I partake much more of Dulcey’s cooking. There are ten loaves of bread and four fruit cakes for the Bazaar! Those women even made stew! She and Charlotte filled that amazing bathtub with hot water and suds. I stayed in until I was shriveled!”

“Crowe… you don’t need a wife… you need a staff!”

“You might speak truth there, friend, but it has been almost getting my brains scrambled to see it quite so clearly!”

“And what do you see, Crowe? You have not walked the floor with an inconsolable child, skipped Port for the more acceptable substitution of tea nor have you worried so much for the health of another that you were robbed of sleep!”

“Ah, Parker, thank you for your concern!”  
“I was not expressing a loss of sleep over worry for you, Crowe,” I growled.  
“Oh? Well, I mean to say you and Babers present such pictures of contentment and familial satisfaction that your transformations from rouges about town to upstanding gentlemen is complete! This leaves me with the enormous responsibility of ferreting out those beguiling single ladies seeking companionship and comfort. I find that I am quite run down by the experience.”

“Mr. Crowe,” said Charlotte, entering with a tray fit for kings, “Do not labor so fretfully over those with membership in the opposite sex! It is not your responsibility to placate all of them, just choose one woman and gift her with your tender respect and undying love.”  
“Touche,” said he, feeding the adoring Barker a bite of cheese, “On the other hand, dogs appreciate me without much effort on my part but they only suffice keeping the foot of your bed warm and are not much fun in the… erm…ah…”

“Crowe,” I hissed in warning, trying hard to not look at Charlotte. Her pleasant expression suggested she did not catch his innuendo, and the next half hour was happily spent discussing the Emporium and all the first day had taught me.

I kissed you, most softly, Grace, and reached down to kiss Ben, also. The tiny murmur you made, deep in sleep suggested you might like another kiss from your Papa. I lingered over you both, breathing in your sweet presence and kissing your tiny fingers between my own.

A tiring day ends, again, with good night and the hope for another day tomorrow. 

3 December

For two days we have enjoyed the bustle of the town as all who wander into the Emporium seem to stay to find an appealing experience as they begin their celebrations. On the 6th of December we will close early as many in the town plan exchanging gifts and will enjoy family feasting.  
We were are all so pleased when Lady Susan came to town today. She visited every shop before her arrival here and was gracious to all who stopped her, either in welcome or just to experience a brush with her celebrity.  
Her smile never wavered and I have marveled at her art of building up each individual with her kindness and attention. It has dawned on me, far too slowly, that the attributes I admire most openly in this most revered member of the Ton are those that I value most in my wife. No wonder they are such fast friends.

Crowe came to town with Babers today. They shopped and laughed, eating many samples and drinking multiple cups of tea before volunteering to help Willis wrap parcels. The two purchased a box of gifts to be delivered to Lady Denham for her fete. When they said goodbye, I knew a bottle of Port would meet its demise if they ventured to the Crown.

As Babers trailed behind to take his leave from me, we watched in wonder as Crowe plucked a doll up from the road, brushing her off on his top coat before kissing her soundly. He returned the doll to her gaping owner as he jauntily crossed the street, waiting on Babbers.

“My god, man!” expostulated Babers, “Did you see that? Crowe is acting quite addled! He was almost kind to a child!”

“If that fills you with amazement, you would have thoroughly enjoyed his reading of the Lloyds of London quarterly to Ben and Barker Parker while holding my boy and rocking Grace’s cradle with his foot!"

“Let me make haste, Parker! I best watch him closely!”

Charlotte walked through with Dulcey before they left to have tea with Mary at Trafalgar House. As I watched Charlotte walking through the shop, the world fell away and I was in a frisson of light with no sound as my beloved approached.  
She smiled and I was renewed in spirit and a content wave of such unmitigated attraction filled my heart it nearly leveled me. Her blush tells me she feels the lightening in our touch and I look forward to our night at home.  
“Your children are ensconced at Trafalgar House with Tom and Mary,” said she. “Had Lord Babington not called for Crowe to follow him to town, I would have had to think of a reason why he might not spend this day minding the babies with Dulcey,” she added. “He was most insistent!”

A blush of deepening red flushed Dulsey’s face and I wondered if Crowe was being appropriate in his behavior toward her. I, too, intended to watch him more closely in the days ahead. It would not do for him to discomfort her in any way and it would irritate Charlotte to no end.

When a lull hit in the group of well wishers and shoppers, I ventured to Trafalgar House hoping to meet Charlotte and have a short visit with Tom. 

Before I could knock, the door opened on one of my favorite people and James made a leap into my arms.  
“Oh hello, dear ol’ Nunc Sid,” said he, “Have you cany at your store?”  
“As a matter of fact,” I said most seriously “I have an amazing jar of sugar drops and caramel twists, chocolate Gorgons and lollipops in all sizes.”

Alisha, Jenny and Henry looked up at me with expectation.  
James took my cheeks within his hands and nose to nose he grumbled, “Nunc Sid! Pwease…have you got some in your pockets?" His intensity was funny and we all laughed. I put him down, still holding his gaze and I began to pat my pockets. From my top coat a pair of lollipops appeared and I passed them to the girls. For Henry, his preferred peppermints came from my waistcoat and I held my empty hands out for James inspection.  
“You not forget ME, Nunc Sid,” said he with surety. “Would you pwease check you pockets again?”  
“James, how nicely you asked me to look. Perhaps I missed my other waistcoat pocket!” I replied, do you feel like eating a chocolate gorgon?”  
He did and after the half-armed hug that gripped my neck he scurried off to enjoy his treat after saying, “’Fanks. You da best, Nunc Sid.”

“Sidney you will spoil them!” admonished Mary, hugging me.

“How can I not, Mary? They always welcome me and always have! Part of my saving grace may well go down to your four small souls who always see the good in me!”

“Tom walked Dulsey and Charlotte home, sure that he would push the baby conveyance up the hill with far more ease and precision that either of them might. He plans to look in on lady Denham to finalize plans for the Ball to be held on the twenty first of the month.

“I won’t stay, Mary, I am most eager to meet them at home and I will hasten to the house.”

“Sidney, thank you for your support of Tom. He is most impressed by your skill in putting a business together that will enhance his dreams for the town. When he is an ancient man his final breath with most likely be a plan for the improvement of Sanditon,” said Mary. I know she is right and I am glad to serve as baffle for this soul-consuming energy.  
“Good bye, Mary.”

My arrival tonight was met by Crowe, Dulsey and Charlotte playing ball with Barker Parker in the hall. Charlotte followed me to the cradles and we each picked up you babies, to spend a moment by the fire.  
“Sidney, must you always haul the babies from their beds to say hello?” she admonished me.  
“My long days bring me home after they have settled for the night and I leave before they wake! What would you have me do?”  
She smiled at me and snuggled Grace into my arms before rounding up our house guest and settling Barker for the night.

When Dulsey returned, they took the babes from me and Crowe flopped into the chair next to mine.

“Parker,” said Crowe, “I was so impressed with your Emporium and thoroughly enjoyed meeting the vendors and Mr. Willis. Would you consider me as a potential partner? I do not want your immediate answer, but I realize that acquiring goods for the place from the continent and beyond will require a buyer and someone with imminent good taste. I spoke about this with Babers and he said I should lay my appeal directly at your feet. So, here it is.  
Please, think about it. Well, good night.”

Charlotte walks in as I write, rubbing her finger over the crease on my forehead, kneeding my shoulders with her capable hands. “I love you,” says she in her soft throaty whisper, “completely.” 

This entry is finished, my children, and I follow her into the promise of a sweet good night.


	18. Chapter 18

4 December 

The next two days have been pressed by so many chores that have to be consistently performed, that I had not fully anticipated the energy it would consume to stay so busy.

Willis has hired another 3 helpers, fired a young man for stealing and found a way to vent the wall above the perfumer for which all are most pleased.

“Ummm…” said Charlotte, when I returned yesterday, “You smell of bergamot and lavender…and…something a bit more like… Willingden than Sanditon.”  
I was too tired to realize the essence might be pleasant or decidedly more like a stable.

The tub was dragged into the anteroom and filled with the hottest of water and topped by suds from an apothecary in London. The air was scented with freshness from the best of sea smells and spice. Decidedly, the copper vessel was big enough for two. I can admit, most readily that it has not accommodated the two for whom it was rendered in many months! I think often of the days, just last winter when the two of us were dreaming of our future as Sanditon business owners, parents of a child and days that were full.  
What an amazing transformation! Two babies and a business filled with positive potential had turned our lives upside down. I lowered myself far enough under the water that only my nose breached the water. A life so full was a blessing, but it was certainly proving to be a deterrent for the long days of discovery that we enjoyed as a couple.

After a renewal of such epic proportions, I returned to the library to discover a long-awaited parcel from the Lake District, bound with brown wrapping and twine. It was a special gift for Charlotte and I was pleased to note it had arrived. I wanted to give her this present on Christmas and I was having fun anticipating her happiness.

“What are you doing, puttering about in the library? Might I bring you some dinner or a drink?” said Charlotte.  
“The babies have grown prodigiously today: Ben has mastered shooting, Grace the pirouette, and I have made seafood pie from whale and jelly fish to take to Lady Denhams’.” continued Charlotte.

“How nice for them,” I answered, “And I know Lady D will be delighted with your offering!”  
“Sidney! Where are your thoughts my love? You are so distracted I might have asked for a star on a string and you might have promised it!” said she. Her laughter blew the cobwebs away and I focused my attention, fully, upon her.

“I’m sorry, Charlotte! I am still thinking of business and Crowe. Please let me have the opportunity to listen with more focus.” I was staring at her mouth as I moved in to kiss her.  
When I kiss her, all is new again. My stomach flips and my arms around her tighten. Oh dear children! My life would have continued without her, had Eliza exacted her pounds of flesh on behalf of the Parkers, but this! THIS! It starts at my toes and makes my mind sizzle. Charlotte brings every good blessing in the world into a package I may hold in my arms! I can not explain how the mist, mysterious and magical, fogs my brain with love and lust in equal measure and I am lost, again.

“There you are” extolled Crowe with enthusiasm, “Hope I’m not disturbing anything!”

We did not spring apart. I could feel the tremble in Charlotte’s arms where I held her and she stepped back, controlled and kind.

“Dulcey saved some supper for you both! I’ll bring it here…why don’t you both relax. I will be right back.”

“Crowe! Stomp your feet before entering this library unannounced, damn it! You could also knock!”  
‘“So I WAS disturbing you,” he said with cheek, “I thought perhaps that several years would have cooled your…ardor. You are blushing like a groom, Sidney! It is quite off putting!”

“Shut up Crowe! Charlotte can turn my head with a glance and it is delightfully out of control!”

“You forget, I was there for most of your initial exposures to the delightful Miss Heywood! She knocked you out with her pert opinions and her brazen challenge to your every attempt to control her! She, too, swings a mighty cricket bat! You sought to support Babington in his ridiculous pursuit of Miss Denham! Then your engagement with Mrs Campion, only to end here… in this library, where I can honestly say the air sparkles from your happiness! It’s nothing short of …embarrassing.”

“Have you ever read Plato?” asked Charlotte entering the room “perhaps his words will calm your mind, Crowe!” She looked upon him with exaggerated severity and he looked between us, suddenly disconcerted.  
He stuttered, “Forgive me! I have polished the art of conversing from an asinine perspective!”  
She let him hang for one uncomfortable moment.

And then she laughed. “No apologies required, friend. We know the facade of normalcy we practice shows an occasional chink, but we can wish you a small percentage of our happiness and you will be blessed for a lifetime!”  
As outspoken as always, Charlotte had silenced the bluster in Crowe with very little effort.  
We settled down in front of the fire with our meal and she left to see about you babes.

He leaned in conspiratorially. “I want this, Parker! All of it! You have the life I envy and I seek your guidance!”

“Crowe you are acting as though your head injury knocked a few important senses completely loose!”

His eyebrows were puckered and his serious demeanor demanded that I consider my response thoughtfully.

“A woman who unshutters your best self, your truest self, is a woman for whom you can sacrifice anything,” I told him quietly. “There is nothing that will fulfill your heart until you are met with love so complete that there is no vocabulary that does it justice. I hope you find this, too, my friend.”

We sat in companionable silence and the quiet of the night seemed to still his soul and our thoughts moved in tandem to business.

My babes, I was grateful to offer your Uncle Crowe the role of the buyer of goods for the Emporium. If after some months he finds himself suited to this business, I will gladly give him full responsibility for maintaining our suppliers outside of England. This will allow my days to be spent closer to home, where you are, and where I fill my heart each day with your smiles and the absolute joy of watching you grow. An unintended partnership, its true, but perhaps our differences will compliment our efforts and each other.

Charlotte brings you both to me, floppy and warm and I cuddle you, each in turn. “Here Crowe,” she says, “Please allow Ben to hug your chest! There is no better blanket for your heart and these little people are fast outgrowing a tandem hold.”

You dimpled up at me, my Grace, and I marvel at the power you already hold over my heart!

It was Dulsey who came to retrieve you and I let you go, feeling such a loss without your weight against me. When she returned to gather Ben, Crowe caught the cuff of her long sleeve between his thumb and forefinger. He did not touch her but she froze and looked at him, unable to move.

“Thank you, Dulsey for your many kindnesses this day. I have added much to your labors by my presence and I appreciate your efforts on my behalf.”

She pulled away after a quick curtsey that masked her confusion. “You are most welcome, Sir,” said she, and fled.  
Charlotte looked at me, her brows raised in question. Tonight I have no answer for anything she might wonder. I know though, that we will discuss our day more completely as we slide toward sleep and so I close, pleased with this time of night that places me, unimpeded in the circle of her arms.

Good night my Little Ones, I entrust you to the comfort of your dreams until tomorrow.

6 December

The casual gifts for friends and family were wrapped in festive papers, ready to be transported to Lady Denham’s for our Christmas gala. Charlotte was beautifully attired in a red wool dress that complimented her in ways I need not describe, for the vision of her as she looked tonight will linger in my mind forever.

Ben was nicely settled in the carriage with Crowe and as you were handed up to me my dearest Grace, you deposited the contents of your last feeding down the front of Charlotte’s gown from collar to hem with a relieved gurgle.

“Oh. Well…if you both will excuse me, I will have Dulsey help me change. She is coming this afternoon, you know.  
We will be right back.”

“Dear Lord!” murmured Crow, “nothing ever robs your wife of her kind demeanor! I would be most put out to find my holiday ensemble ruined! I suppose babies aren’t mindful of such things.”

We chuckled and I was all amazed as I helped Charlotte into the carriage only moments later. She was attired in the emerald dress from Paris that buttoned and wrapped with pleats and gathers. It was as though Lady Susan had intended it for a night such as this. Charlotte was stunning and her beauty had never been more evident than it was tonight, showcased, once again, by a dress.  
Crowe whistled quietly under his breath with admiration as Charlotte colored prettily.  
I could only think of her question, all those many nights ago as we were attending a masked route in London, “Does it not suit me? Will it not do?” She damn near rendered me breathless then and I had only responded, “It will do nicely.” If I had been asked then, I might have denied my increasing attachment to the lady. The night proved to be the catalyst that has defined our lives and I will never again waste an opportunity to let her know how lovely she truly is. If anything her appeal to me grows with each passing hour.

“A penny for your thoughts, Mr Parker.” Charlotte teased from the opposite seat in the carriage.  
“Mrs Parker, I assure you, my thoughts are worth far more than that.”

“Good god,” admonished Crowe with feigned disgust, “We have arrived, so stop your obvious misbehavior! Come, Dulsey, let us each take in a baby and save the children from this apparent scandalous exchange.”

Bless Dulcey’s sense of humor, for she laughed and said, “Mr Crowe of what do you protest?”  
He actually sputtered and no answer came to mind.

Perhaps it was an inappropriate response, but we all laughed and Dulcey was instantly forgiven.

I will admit she has begun to find her own way since being in Sanditon and I expect Charlotte may soon find a way to send her out into the world before Dulcey has realized it happened.

“Sidney!” called Tom before we could be announced, “You all are finally here!”

“At last! At last!” said Lady Denham “Our wait for your arrival has been interminable!” she groused affectionately.  
“Oh, Aunt,” admonished Esther, “Babies always add at least one half hour to every best laid plan! Watch Charles and Ruby greet Sidney and you will see, the Parkers will always be worth a delay.”

Babers greeted Crowe as his offspring ran to me with hands up. I scooped them up, noting they were dressed to the nines in ruffles and velvet. Quick on their heels was James. Skipping behind him was Henry, Alisha and Jenny. I was soon captured as a willing participant in a game of Hunt the Thimble.

Lady Denham had spared no detail and an opulent Christmas fete enfolded us all. Our dinner of pheasant and venison was presented in grand fashion and Lady Susan complimented her table as ‘worthy of a palace gathering’.

The babies were brought in as the servers and staff joined us for the presents. Every person received a thoughtful gift and I was amazed as I watched many items unwrapped that had been in my Emporium as the week began. There were spinning tops, dolls and treats for the children, Lady Denham’s cook received a lovely new scarf and Dulcey a pair of beautiful fur lined gloves. Crow received a handsome pen and Babers presented Esther with her signature scent.  
She was pleased by his thoughtfulness. They presented Lady D and Lady Susan with cashmere wraps that both put on immediately and made us laugh by modeling their warmth and comfort.

The last present sat under tree, lonely and ignored until Henry piped up, “Whose gift might that be Mr. Crowe?”  
“Well, let us see! Might you read the tag?”

“For Miss Dulcey: Please use this cricket ball when next you wish to swing your bat! My head may never recover and I wish to save the foreheads of my friends. C.”

Dulcey stood for a moment with all eyes upon her, then she made an elaborate curtsey to the group before retrieving her present and holding up the unwrapped ball for all to see. Lady Susan led the laughter as Dulcey retorted, “I thank you Mr Crowe, but I think your head may have cracked my bat.”  
“Well said,” he acknowledged and bowed with great humor, “May it bring you joy.”

“Lady Susan, my bride is gorgeous this evening, thanks to you!” I whispered.  
“Hmmm…” she answered thoughtfully, “Motherhood seems to suit her most happily.” 

When we were back at home and you dearest babies were cozy in your cradled nests, Crowe had retired and Dulcey hastened to her rest, I danced with your mother while the first notes from a treasured music box accompanied our steps.  
“I have a present for you, Sidney.”

“You do?” said I joyfully. I know the delight I feel was no less that James must experience when he discovers an expected chocolate gorgon.  
I ripped into the twine and paper to find a beautiful leather bound journal, so much nicer than the one I have been dutifully filling for you children. I realize I shall be sharing my days, for months to come, and I kissed her with real thanks for her thoughtfulness.  
“I love that you are sharing our story with our children and I hope you will fill these pages well.”

“I have one, for you, too but I am of a mind to save it until closer to Christmas day…”  
“Or you could give it to me now,” she said with mischief in her voice. “It must be said that I have already been given the gifts of a lifetime this year,” said she…"Ben and Grace and our home. I feel so very blessed by such an alluring life.”

“Alright Mrs. Parker, I’ll save it until next year, for I would hate to have you become spoiled and filled with ingratitude…”  
Her playful punch landed on my shoulder, leaving my arm tingling with the force. How many times had she wanted to knock me out to win a disagreement between us? I may not be inclined to fight for sport, but I still recognize a solid blow and I shall not provoke her if I can help it.

I gathered her to me. “Charlotte…Charlotte, you are my gift and I always marvel that my life encircles you. Thank for believing in me…in us… I struggle for the words…”

She slid between the covers, unable to warm her chilled toes without placing them on my feet in the bed and making me jump.

“What is this?” She wondered feeling the lump beneath her pillow…

She unwrapped the felt envelope to find the cameo and held it up to the light. The woman upon the coral was exquisite and I bought it from an Italian jeweler in London.

“Oh, Sidney! It is so beautiful! Thank you. I shall wear it with joy.”

“I was told that cameos will be all the rage and I have a mind to bring some into the Emporium, But not yet. I want all to admire it as you wear it, a reminder that you, my love, are equal to any woman so depicted, any where. Never doubt that you by far, are the best of every woman I have ever met.”

My darling Grace and precious Ben, you are treasured and loved. Never discount your ability to bring us love and laughter. You are the best gifts of all! 

Goodnight, my Little Ones


	19. Chapter 19

10 December

Lady Susan and Lady Denham presided over the baked goods Bazaar, agreeing to match all the proceeds of the day. The event was wildly popular and the bakers in every household took up the challenge with multiple fruit cakes and dozens of loaves of holiday breads.

I was positioned next to Reverend Hankins when the final tally was announced and more than £200 filled the Widows and Orphans Christmas fund, the coffers of which are near and dear to the Vicar. I heard him sigh and turn away, to head back to the church.  
“Reverend Hankins, are you alright?”  
“Yes, capital, Mr Parker! I am well pleased with the outcome of our day, though I find myself contemplating the future when there is always so much need tucked in around the apparent plenty each day. Good day, Mr Parker make sure to share with your wife my appreciation for all her efforts. She went beyond the call of duty.”

My eyes scanned the crowd for a glimpse of Charlotte, but I was drawn to no familiar smile or head of curly hair. If she had been here, she was now gone and I felt a moment of foul humor that I would have to walk the damn hill to catch her when I really needed to go back to work.

Perhaps she was at Trafalgar House. When I turned the corner, Mary and the children were walking in the opposite direction, toward the beach. I walked back toward the center of town and caught the eye of Lady Susan as she departed in her carriage. The driver stopped at her signal and she said, “Sidney! I planned to connect with Charlotte but I find she has quite disappeared.”

“Will your driver drop me on the tract that leads to Windswept?” I asked already climbing into the carriage.  
She readily agreed and I leaned out the window to give directions to the driver, already pulling away from town.  
“What is your fear, Sidney?” asked Lady Denham “You have not seemed this distraught since our fateful meeting all those years ago when we were making plans to decapitate the snake!”  
I could not answer her and she did not press me.

“Forgive me, I will run from here!” Leaving the carriage before the driver rolled to a true stop, I was running the path to Windswept without breath, a frisson of panic seizing my mind. I could neither understand nor control my visceral response. 

Crowe beckoned from the side of the house and we leaned against the wall listening to Charlotte speaking calmly to someone we could not see. The front door stood ajar and we heard her clearly “Take me instead, Mr Jensen, if indeed that is your name! What can my babies possibly mean to you? Both are but months old and I know you have no way to keep them alive if you must travel.”

“I don’t have to transport them if an accident should occur on the cliffs,” he snarled.  
A sob escaped her and my heart clenched to hear her calm falling apart.

Crowe began walking up the path with casual grace, “Charlotte,” he called “the men from the shop are on the way up the hill with plans to dig space for the rose garden! Can you come out? Will you show me where they should begin?” The casual lie flowed from his lips exciting no alarm within the house.

Silence hung in the air and then she answered, “Most certainly, Mr Crowe. I will just step out and show you.”

To the front door she walked and flinging the door open Crowe watched her reach for the umbrella stand.  
With the furrowed brow that bodes total concentration she turned, swinging the bat at the assailant. He fell like an old tree, his skull cracking like a nut. I saw Crowe wince and run for Ben. When the man fell, he dropped Ben who rolled away, so tightly swaddled was he. Grace, still trapped under the arm of the kidnapper began to wail pitifully. 

Charlotte just sat down, hard, and apparently shattered. She was still holding the bat, a glazed expression on her face.  
Dulcey grabbed Grace and she and Crowe pushed into the house holding the children. I was sickened by the sight of the man, unrecognizable because of a split and brutalized face. I recognized his coat now covered with blood. The collector’s name was Jensen, but I still did not understand why he was here.  
It was then I picked Charlotte up in my arms, stepping around him and walking straight to our room where I placed her on the bed.

“I’m here Charlotte, I am right here.” I could think of nothing else to say to comfort her. I wanted to kill the man, to make the suffering he was seeking to impose on my family disappear!

Dulcey was weeping quietly in the crook of Crowe’s arm and we all were visibly shaken. “Go see if he lives, man,” I entreated Crow “Then seek help from Babers at Sanditon house.”

He returned in just a moment and barely shook his head. The man was deceased. Charlotte had batted him into the hereafter with no other thought than saving our children. I felt only relief.

As the afternoon waned the magistrate came with Babington and on his heel was Dr Fuchs. The doctor’s examination confirmed that that bat had broken several bones on the man’s face, driving the bridge of his nose, with surgical precision, into the brain, killing him at once.

It was at this point, after hearing Dr Fuchs make his summary, that Charlotte grew gravely ill and her nausea was not calmed until her stomach was emptied completely.

“I killed a man, Sidney! A man who wanted our children for an undetermined and nefarious purpose! He was the one who came before,” said she, “and when I turned around to see him walking through the house with our babies as captives, I was determined that he would not have them.” She started to shake and new tears flooded her eyes.

The magistrate spoke kindly to her, assuring her that she defended herself and our children from certain harm. There would be no inquiry, for Jensen had been a wanted man with a series of documented offenses. The fact that he told Charlotte his name made me aware that he had not planned to leave her alive to report him. 

Charlotte felt no relief and Dulcey handed her the children for comfort. She buried her face between the two of you and wept, inconsolably.  
Dulcey reached out to steady herself on the back of a chair, but she missed, fainting. She crumpled at my feet with a sigh.

“Oh Good Lord, Parker!” exclaimed Babington, “Help me settle her on the loveseat and I shall bring Dr Fuchs from the front room.”

I stood helplessly listening to the weeping of the woman I love and my fretful children, crushed by my inability to alter the course of the afternoon in any helpful way. I ceased my useless and frustrated pacing and I put my arms around my family brutally shaken by the day. Charlotte pushed me away, and so I left her.

I watched as the undertaker folded the man into a tarp-like shroud before he and his companion put him in the buggy. They pulled away from the path as Lady Susan stroud up the walk. There was strength in her step and a sense of peaceful purpose as she swept into the house.

She sat on the edge of our bed and placed her arms around my wife, holding our babies, as she put her arms around Charlotte whispering to her quietly.  
I rubbed my hand through my hair helplessly and Dr Fuchs pulled me aside to report the man first assaulted Dulsey when he had entered the house. She had been beaten about the head and neck but it was her warning that enabled Charlotte to impede the assailant as he tried to leave.  
“Your hands are full this night, Herr Parker. Your dear wife is filled with shock and she worries for the wretched man’s soul. She will feel her sorrow, but she must not succumb to despair. I tried to give her something to make her rest but she would not accept my attempts to ease her distress. Your maid received an unfortunate bruise to the side of her head and she too, is sorely shaken.”  
Susan appeared in the doorway to the drawing room as the doctor prepared to leave.  
“Mr Crowe will allow no one else to care for Dulcey and he carried her to her room before dragging a chair to the hall outside of her door, where he sits so he can watch over her and be seen by all who might wonder at his attention to her. I will send my maid to help you this evening and Lady Denham’s cook will send things to eat.”

“Charlotte is holding both of those babies in a desperate attempt to erase today and you both need time to make the facts of this deplorable day palatable. Nothing will alter these facts in the history of your family but she sees that she defended those darling babies from certain harm. Charlotte is strong and you will handle this with the fortitude that you have managed all the other challenges you have faced in your years in love together. This will not be your only sorrow, but you can survive this, I believe in you both.” 

I allowed Lady Susan to show herself out and I went back to our room. I moved behind you and gathered you all in, not unlike day the Grace was born and I felt Charlotte’s shaking cease as she relaxed against me.

“I most certainly would have killed him, Charlotte, had I but had the opportunity! Please, do not second guess yourself! We would surely see him hang for kidnapping and you had no choice! No discussion was going to lessen his intent and you defended our hearth most readily. I am proud of your strength, Charlotte. You are my warrior queen and I will never forget what you have sacrificed to save us all.”

I rocked Charlotte in my arms. Esther came and took the babies from Charlotte, settling them quiet and comforted in their cradles. Alison came to care for Dulsey and Crowe disappeared in to the library with a bottle of port.  
The house was eerily quiet, but the news had traveled fast. Diana and Mary were there with Arthur and Tom caring for us as though we were holding a wake.

When next I looked up, Reverend Hankins was in the doorway of our room. Although I held my arm up to stop him, he dropped to his knees in front of Charlotte and began to pray. We were a captive audience.

“Lord of all things, we ask You for the peace that will pass understanding. We need Your guidance and unconditional love, but most of all your children need Your patience, as Your will becomes clear and their lives are made whole. Amen”  
He stood and patted my arm before walking away.

At last, Charlotte slept and it was late at night before I walked through the quiet house. The kitchen was full of food and every chair held a watchful friend. I could only mumble my thanks before closing our door banishing all from our room and deciding to write this account of our day as I seek to assuage our heartbreak.  
Ben and Grace, I have no platitudes, no words of sage comfort to leave you with this fateful night. Perhaps it is this day that will be marked as the one on which every other day will be built.

No man will jeopardize your mother’s love for you nor harm you while we both have breath and are able to defend you. We are on uncharted seas and no map for the future have I for the first steps after this night. We will move beyond this! We must. 

We must seek renewing rest and so I bid you good night. 

15 December

Our lives have become sectioned into two parts: the days before and the days after. Charlotte did not lose sight of the fact that she was the only one in the position to act. Crowe and I have talked, multiple times, of his brazen distraction that enabled her to save our children.

The threats to our family have, apparently, ended and the challenges of this week are being swept further away by time. Willis has taken over the Emporium and Crowe works tirelessly beside him as I stay at home. Esther and Babbers have come every day as have Alison and James.

Charlotte buries herself in books and babies. Her eyes are haunted and rimmed. 

Dulcey is back in fine form and the ability for her to recover is no doubt down to the fact that she is so familiar with trauma and her ability to separate herself from a wicked grip, and move on to the promises of tomorrow.

Tom and Lady Denham discussed the cancellation of the rest of Christmas frivolities, but it was Reverend Hankins  
who would broker no change to the schedule or alter the time of renewal that marks the passing of the year.  
“There will be more trauma in this life than we can process,” he said, “It is the nature of life. Our God promises strength for the day…not bliss for tomorrow. We must celebrate our lives by the rigorous pursual of all that is good and pure, true and before us. We can not relieve yesterday or escape all that lies ahead. We must march on.”

It was this morning when I realized that front hall had been cleaned until it sparkled. The house was as it ever was: comfortable and welcoming. Our Windswept would survive this storm! We all would. WE must!

Only today did I think about the cricket bat. I walked into the hall, looking among the umbrellas with their festive fringe only to discover that it was missing. It was good that it was gone. I would ask Crowe to remove it from the house should it still linger in some forgotten corner. 

Charlotte walked with me, silent and brooding along the clifftops. Side by side. It was only on our return to the house that I felt her hand reach into the crook of my elbow and I immediately covered the fingers of the arm with my hands. She stopped walking to stare up at me intently.  
“Do not give up on me, Sidney! Please, don’t think too badly of me.”  
If I could, I would wipe this from her mind.  
“Charlotte, I do not, I cannot, think badly of you, for something I would have not hesitated to do myself! I feel only pride in you Charlotte. Only the deepest of love can withstand such a negative event to come out on the other side stronger and pure. I believe we have that strength. I believe we can move beyond this hell to find joy again! I know we will, if you will allow me to shoulder some of this understandable anxiety …to love you to oblivion and beyond.”

“I love you, Sidney,”  
“You do?” I teased her gently. “What aspect of me pleases you most?”  
She smiled softly, as though she was considering and making a difficult choice.  
“You are sublimely sculptured, and your kindness matches your wit and care for us all. I could be satisfied just looking at you, holding you near.”  
“Why, Mrs Parker, do you objectify me, like a statue or a thing to be enjoyed before it is cast aside? I am aghast!”  
She laughed, low and soft and I crushed her to me, this woman I adore with all her passion and grace. She kissed me softly and my need for her grew as we turned the path toward home.

“You also have a penchant for the arrogant,” she noted, quietly. I laughed, knowing she was right, so grateful that she was able to put me in my place and love me, still.

It was Babers who let me know that James Stringer took the bat while Alison was staying with us. “He had his men cut it apart and burn it with the waste from a building site. Neither one of you will ever have to touch it again.”

“Crowe is enthused over the opportunity to serve the Emporium with more permanence and is pleased that you were open to the idea. Has he heckled you unmercifully, old friend?”

“The absolute opposite is the case! Crowe does not exceed the guidelines I gave to him, not during the past few days, anyway. He is eager to learn from Willis and the two of them have enabled me to stay away from the shop since… for the week. They are marching toward Christmas with little input from me and I have filled my time with Charlotte…doing whatever distracts her.”  
“Your visit to Sanditon House pleased Lady Denham and Lady Susan as well. They remarked on Charlotte’s color  
and her demeanor. She is resigned then?”

“Well, Babers, what else can she be? For three days, members of the town filled our walls with food and sympathy. Charlotte was most appreciative of their kind attention and just as relieved to have them gone.”

“The magistrate found the mysterious Marquis’ name in the pocket of Weldon Jensen. He was from Surry and no one can find any family who might be interested in his passing. His body will be put within the pauper’s plot and in an unmarked spot. Charlotte must not think of it again.”

“When I know more, I will tell you most gladly,” said he. He hesitated. “Crowe has become more than enamored of your housemaid and I hope you are being most vigilant,” said he.  
“Crowe has been nothing but respectful and is only complimentary of her assistance. That is all.”

As I opened the door to accompany Babington to the path, John Heywood dismounted from his horse tying him at the ring on the wall.

“Hello, son,” he said kindly. He shook my hand before pulling me in for a hug. “I have news from Willingden for Dulcey and I want to see our Charlotte. How is she? I got your letter on the same day that I received a similar missive from Alison. You both were most complimentary of an evening at Lady Denham’s before burying the news of your own house, almost as an afterthought. I am here to deliver Christmas from the farm and to become satisfied that all is well!”

We settled with tea and scones. I was pleased that Charlotte was delighted to see her father. He agreed to spend the night and I left to stable his horse in the carriage house. I was feeding the horse an apple and some hay when I uncovered the straps from a ruck sack hidden in the stall.

The canvas sack held a few moldy pieces of food, a vicious knife that would easily gut a fish and spools of rope… They would harness a horse…or bind and torture and babe before killing it. I leaned into the hay and wretched, knowing I had found the stash of an assailant who most probably laid in wait to terrorize my family. I hung the bag on a hook under an old coat with plans to take it to the magistrate and anger flooded my soul with fresh waves of fury.

Around the table, I found Charlotte, Dulcey, Crowe and the babes. John was just finishing his benign greetings and funny Heywood discussions. Crowe had happened into the intimate conversation when he returned to change a soiled waist coat and I felt no compunction to intervene by asking him to excuse us.

“You know, Dulcey, I have kept up with your father these many years and I am sorry to tell you that he has passed.”  
Only her sharp intake of breath marked the delivery of this fact and she quickly stood.  
“Rest easy, young woman, for Lord Fitz can not hurt you again.”  
Crowe’s head snapped up, the relaxed and easy expression he so often wore was replaced by inquisitive wonder.  
“Dulcey… are you a Fitz?”  
“Yes, Sir, Mr Crowe, I was the only child of Lord Fitz’ second wife. I could never please him and the Heywood family have sheltered me most graciously, on my terms, for almost seven years.”  
“You all must forgive my departure,” said Crowe most abruptly, “I am needed at the Emporium and I will see you all much later. Good day!” He cleared out with such speed that I saw Charlotte shake her head as though to clear her mind.

“Papa, let us show you to your room, if you can bear to let the babies nap within their fireside beds!” said Charlotte “Dulcey might stay with them while we walk into town so that you might call on Alison and see the Emporium.”

The plan was readily agreed upon and soon we were walking into town. I was spoken with by several men but the sunny greetings that had ever accompanied Charlotte as she walked to town were missing and her eyes were trained straight ahead as though she did not feel the cumulative unease of the public.

Our call on Alison encouraged her to join our party and the women showed John Heywood every nook and cranny of the booths within the Emporium. I found Crowe studying a spread sheet which out lined our inventory of brandy and wine. He hardly glanced up from my desk as I entered the room and I settled across from him in the office’s only chair.  
I said nothing and soon he leapt from the chair pacing like a tiger in the small cage of the space.  
“So Dulcey is the daughter of a Lord?” questioned he. “Thanks for advising me, Parker. I am certain my esteem for her is of the highest order and I have nothing but respect for her… for her…personage without regard to rank!”  
“Crowe, Dulcey’s story was not my story to tell. Her relationship with the Heywood family was outlined to protect her and was the only way she would allow them to care for her. The death of her father will, no doubt, change her choice of status, but it will be up to her. You must not rush to impress her.”  
“I am going to Calais to straighten out some import patens. Perhaps I will be back before the Ball.”  
“Yes, thank you! Your steady hand on my behalf is of great value to me and I appreciate your vigilance. Will you join us for dinner before you depart?”  
“No, I have all I will need and will depart for Dover at once to facilitate my crossing.”  
“Smooth sailing, friend! I hope all works out in your favor. We will welcome your return.”  
“Thank you, Parker. I am off.”

The visit with Papa Heywood was a most welcome distraction from most recent events and we thoroughly enjoyed his visit. Charlotte was relaxed in his company and she needed the fatherly love he so openly bestowed.  
He returned to Willingden satisfied that all would be well. He was convinced that Dulcey would be assured of a safe future and that his grandchildren for the Parker family were being sufficiently spoiled.

Tonight I write, as eager to rid my self of some details as to document others. So fast are you growing my darlings, that I am certain of your mutual destined greatness and intelligence. The house is quiet and warm and the promises of the birth of a divine babe at on a night so long ago seems a precious event to celebrate.

And, so shall we all. When the worst accosts us, love will bind us up and set us free in a myriad of tiny, healing ways.

You father loves you, Ben and Grace. My attention turns to your mother for I will offer myself most readily for both love and affection and we will find in each other a place of refuge and light.

Good night!


	20. Chapter 20

18 December

“Sidney! If you continue to walk so closely behind me one of two things will most certainly occur! I am either going to step on your feet most painfully or fall forward over Barker Parker and trip you as you crash upon me! Have you nothing to do? As much as I have loved your constant attention these days past, I would desire your being so helpful elsewhere.” She giggled as I tickled her and backed away across the kitchen.

“I might check in with Willis,” I said, crunching an apple from the pile Dulcey was carving up for pie. “I also need to check in with Tom on the final details about the Ball.”

“Lady Denham comes for tea today and Lady Susan will spend a long afternoon rocking the babies while reading a book! Alison is coming to alter my Ball gown, and I do not know what else, while Dulcey makes delectable things for us to eat. Your stalwart masculinity will certainly be overcome by so many women crammed into our drawing room! I am giving you permission to flee! Find Babers and go shoot something, just get your jollies elsewhere…for just awhile”

I chuckled at her bossy demeanor, the slight furrow between her brows and the fact that her eyes still smirked merrily even while she was throwing me out of my own house.

I retrieved my coat from the hook by the door and began the walk toward town with renewed zeal. I am proud of Charlotte’s independence and strength. I find that I, too, am eager to dive back into normal, knowing she would not be alone with overpowering thoughts.  
The day was everything I might wish for in December: chilly but not too cold, bright and breezy, but not blowing a gale from the sea, and dare I say, hopeful.

By the time I had arrived at the store, the town was busy and I felt like I was looking in at a scene from a novel. I was as much underfoot in the Emporium as I had been at home so I buried myself in the office to look over the books.

Not knowing what to expect, my children, I had carefully documented my projections for this month near the end of November and was surprised and delighted to see the numbers already surpassed my hopes. I closed the ledger, well pleased that all had proceeded even in my absence. A knock on the door garnered my attention and I stood to welcome a young man into my space.  
His face was clean, as were his hands, and he twisted a patched hat between those hands as if he were wringing water from the folds.

“Mr Parker, I saw you pass by on the street this morning and I have come to ask if you might consider giving me back my job here at Emporium? I believe the situation regarding my stealing was unfairly judged and I hope you will consider my, uh…appeal to be…reinstated.” He rattled off the phrase as though it had been memorized and was suddenly at a loss for words. We each studied the other, He did not squirm under my appraisal.  
“My name is Wells Jessup, I want to say, in case you were not knowing it.”  
I studied the man before me. He was no more than a boy in men’s furnishings, for all his attempts at showcasing his maturity. His skinny wrists and neck showed the lines of dirt that designated the end of his bathing and yet, I was oddly entranced by his direct request. “Tell me, Mr Jessup, why were you accused of stealing if this was a situation suggesting otherwise?”

“First, Mr Jessup were me Da. He was a fine man, rest his soul, and I canna feel worthy ta the name until I am better suited. You kin call me ‘Wells’.”

“Let me hear it, Wells, and leave out no pertinent detail because I will share your story with Mr. Willis before I can entertain your request.”  
It involved a cannister of tea, fumbled badly and spilled, and a broken vase that had been disposed of without the required reporting of the event. When Willis had noticed both and neither had been documented, the accused had been summarily dismissed without hesitation.

The chap had been labeled a thief after what appeared to me as no more than an accident. Such a label would mark him for a lifetime and the people of the town would shake their heads at how he had tarnished the name of his father without considering the situation leading to it.  
“Wells, are you hungry?”  
“I am getting by,” said he, proudly.  
“Will you be my guest for a small repast at the Crown?”  
That is how it came to be that the middle of this day was spent watching a young man eat his weight in chicken pie and apple and nut pastries. It was a though he had not eaten in weeks and my mind was made up before our meal was finished.  
“What jobs are you willing to do, Wells?” I asked him.  
“There are none beneath me, good sir. I often tell my wife it is certain that goodness is showed by simple tasks well done, and so I take on all with equal pleasure.”  
“You have a wife?” I asked him incredulously. No whisker had he and his was the soft voice of youth.  
“We married when was at 16,” said he. “Her name’s Sara and when our parents was gone, we made our own family. We grew up together, you see.”  
I did see. Here was a man and his wife, several steps from the poor house and his future was in my hand as surely as my palm.  
We agreed to meet in front of the Crown at half past noon tomorrow. I asked him to bring his wife and bid him good afternoon. 

I walked home to mull over an idea.

I measured my steps through the carriage house and the platform that floored the second level. There was room for our two horses, the carriage and the upstairs is underutilized at best. What would it take for such a place to make a home?  
Without darkening the door of our home, I hastened back to town to find James Stringer and ask for his advice. The rest of the afternoon found us drawing my ideas on a large sheet of papers and I returned home, satisfied with this day with more joy than the past weeks have brought to me.

Tonight, I write, my dear ones, with a heart full of what might happen tomorrow. We are in need of help as sure as Wells and Sara Jessup might be eager to offer it. I hope I am not making false assumptions and I am eager to close for the night so that I might mull over my ideas with Charlotte.

Good night, dear ones! My love surrounds you as you sleep. 

19 December

Charlotte and I talked deep into the night. We discussed her day and the plans for the ball, Dulcey and her future and finally we got around to my hopes for Wells and Sara Jessup.

“Let me get this straight, Sidney. You want us to take in a young couple, the man totally untried as either groom or footman! She has served as neither maid nor cook. You wish to bring them into our home to care for our children and help me keep house? You are ‘following your gut’ and have already talked to James about converting the carriage house for their dwelling?”

“Yes.” When spoken out loud, it seemed rather ridiculous.  
“How can we not?” said she, smiling at last. “I trust you completely and I know we will most likely lose Dulcey to the immense possibilities of her future.  
The solicitor wrote to Dulcey enclosing her inheritance totaling seventeen thousand pounds! I almost expected her to bolt but she simply went to town to order a new dress for the ball where Lady Susan will introduce her to Sanditon as Miss Dulcinea Fitz of Willingden High Tree, now of Sanditon. 

“Shall I go with you tomorrow to meet the Jessups? Wells sounds most pleasant and I look forward to knowing Sara.”  
I had hoped Charlotte would want to come with me.  
“I tell you now, Charlotte, if they are yet twenty years old I will be amazed.”  
She did accompany me, finding Sara to be charming and kind. Wells was so eager to please us both that the reward outweighed any potential risk. Our proposal for jobs within our home and a place to dwell in the modest carriage house was offered and accepted. Two more grateful people did not exist within the town of Sanditon. And so it came to be that Stringer and his men will bring lumber and tools beginning the transformation of the Jessup residence tomorrow.

Dulcinea Fitz was the talk of the town as she continued her rounds about town on behalf of our family. She was welcomed for tea at Sanditon House. She was met by Mary and Tom, Arthur and Diana, James and Alison with new eyes. She was kind and she interacted as she had always done. The Babingtons marveled at her charm. Charlotte and I realized that Dulsey was who she had ever been, and yet, acknowledgement of her status was going to change her world in mind boggling ways.  
You babies required a push in your stroller to fall asleep and we rounded the cliff walk to Sanditon house marveling at how soundly the motion lured you each to your dreams.

“Are you sure you can bear my company today, Mrs Parker,” I teased as I pushed, “Am I staying far enough from underfoot to please you?”  
She giggled before retorting, “I am obliged to keep you at home on a permanent basis, where I can watch you! The last time I sent you from home, you found a new family to live with us! I can’t imagine what you might suggest next!” The remark slightly embarrassed me as both Tom and Babers had censured me for not vetting the couple more fully.  
Charlotte added, “How pleased I shall be for their help and willingness! Should Dulcey move away at once, I would be desperate. Your actions showed forethought and care, and I thank you.”

“I believe these children grow more beguiling by the hour,” declared Lady Susan. “Thank you for sharing them with me on an afternoon when, as much as I wanted to, I was unable to stay curled up with my latest acquisition. A novel named ‘Emma’ from the John Murray publishing house. I am enraptured to distraction and will pass it on to you, Charlotte, as soon as I am able.”

“So, Parkers, I hear you are taking on a staff at the New Year,” said Lady Denham. “Make sure to see they bring no vermin to the babies and wash between the stable and the drawing room!”

“Good heavens, Aunt!” said Esther laughing, “Could you be more judgmental?”  
“I am just looking out for the Parkers, Esther! Both have become so congenial that they are ripe for the picking by the ill-mannered masses seeking to take advantage of their good hearts and lofty ideals! First a baby, now a family and the year still has several weeks in it… they may yet sponsor a zoo to rescue a family of lions!”  
“Oh my, Lady Denham, do you know of lions we might take home?” said Charlotte, with sweet innocence.

A beat of silence fell into the conversation as Lady Denham brought both hands to her breast in consternation and then, Lady Susan laughed.  
The merry party lasted for most of the afternoon and we returned home anticipating the happy days ahead.

We must look for the opportunity to serve other people, in our town, children! Charlotte and I both believe it only a happy accident our becoming members of the families to which we belong. Our finding each other is nothing short of miraculous and we believe, requires our looking around, constantly finding ways to give back.

I readily admit this philosophy may hinder our ever becoming rich in the standards of this world but I believe as long as our coffers are not empty, we will do all we can with what we are able, to help all we can. Tom may yet need my intervention for I still catch glimpses of wild-eyed enthusiasm which may not always consider Mary and the children before he acts on his next big idea.

I must tell Charlotte that Crowe has returned from Calais having assured all the import agreements we were acquired to confirm are all in good order. He has, most oddly, arranged for the proprietor of the Crown to pick up his belongings tomorrow and has taken a long-term place at the hotel for several months. Based on his plan to stay involved with my business this will no doubt, prove more autonomous for him. It does seem sudden and a bit harsh, for he bid no farewell to Charlotte or Dulcey, nor does he depart having patted you babies most fondly which had become his daily habit.

Good night, my children. I am longing for the talk with Charlotte that this quiet night allows. With Christmas less than ten days away, we still must agree on a celebration that will include the Jessups so they feel more included when this becomes their home.  
Sweet dreams! 

Good night

20 December

After the Emporium closed I rambled to the Crown with Crowe. He said nothing as we opened a bottle of port.  
“How is Charlotte?” asked he.  
“Fine, Thank you.”  
“Appalled at my ungrateful behavior, no doubt.”  
“More like ‘confused’, I think,” I responded. “None of us understand your apparent compunction to everything Parker only to be solidly put off with no apparent reason. Did we, in any way, insult you? You are held in high esteem by all of us.”

“No,” said Crowe, “It is guilt.”

“What have you done, man? Has it to do with Dulcey?” I was instantly furious to think that Crowe had acted on his profundity for misbehavior and ruined a most excellent young woman.

“Climb down off your high horse, Parker. My guilt is not based on current events but on my inaction more than a decade ago when I was little more than a lad. My father and I went to purchase horses from Lord Fitz at his country house, I knew not where we traveled. He was a right bastard, if you’ll allow me to say so, and was so abusive to his wife and young daughter even my evil father would have naught to do with him! I fumed all the way back to London! I was anguished I did not find a way to rescue her and so stressed was I that my father then called me weak willed and emotional.”

“I know not what to say, Crowe. Did you recognize her when you arrived?”  
“I did not. I still can not imagine the woman in your house is the girl, little more than a waif, who could not pour water without spilling it or answer her beast of a father without stuttering. I swear, if pressed I would have imagined her dead, so obvious was her misery then,” he said softly.

“Are you worried that she feels as though you left her to suffer?”  
“Sidney, how could she not?”

His head was in his hands and I ordered another bottle, unwilling to cut our conversation short and embark for my happy home when he was so obviously festering in angst.

We drank in silence for awhile before I said, “Crowe, you were a lad with no control over your own life! Would you have made her a child bride, died to prove your point by fighting her father and then yours? What do you think you could have done?”  
“I could have not forgotten her so completely. I fear if she ever remembers, she will never forgive me.”  
“So, you ran away? From my house to this hotel? From this town to Calais? Where next might you run? If you plan to leave our business, I would like some notice, please.”

The bar room got louder as the hour progressed toward night. Knowing Charlotte would not appreciate my weaving home full of drink, I suggested Crowe take the third bottle and retire for the night.  
“I have no advice, old friend. I only know your avoidance of the woman or the situation will not endear you to the lady, should you wish to be endeared to her and assuming she even remembers you as you were. I have never been more distraught in my life as I was the long summer I sought to figure out the true longings of my heart with Charlotte. I would live through all that hell again if Charlotte were known to be the answer to all my questions then as she has now proven to be.”

I stood and took my leave of him, hoping for a solution to his problem but only aware of his overwhelming anxiety.

I write tonight, my darling Little Ones, with the acknowledgement that love is messy and hard. There are pitfalls, like quicksand and moments of such brightness one is left burned by exposure. I still wish this consuming love for Crowe and for each of you, if you are brave. You will not be in control when it happens and yet I hope I am here to witness your discoveries of your partners in life and that, like your mother is to me, you can not imagine how they will enhance every aspect of your life.

Sleep well, with your pure hearts and dear dreams and I will see you tomorrow and tell you in person how deeply your Papa loves you both.

Good night.


	21. Chapter 21

21 December

This afternoon the children’s party occured just hours before the Noel Ball. Tom has accused me of not paying attention when I continually refer to this celebration as the Christmas Ball and I do not want it ever said that I was asleep at the reins where Tom is concerned.

My arrival at the Assembly rooms was nothing if not totally ignored. I brought a box of sweet treats but the diligent children were so busy making paper chains and stringing ribbon through boughs of greenery, that they mumbled their thanks as an afterthought and went back to their projects at once.

Jenny, Alisha and Henry informed me that ‘baby’ James was still deep in a nap. Mary was to meet them when he arose. Tom was standing on a low wooden stool, festooning the walls with the children’s offerings and the room was transforming before my eyes into a decorated wonderland.

Tom, by allowing the children to make decorations for the Ball, had cleverly killed two birds with one stone. After the children finished their projects and games a troop of women would come through and straighten, adding tables for punch and chairs for the weary.

This room might hold a myriad of projects for me and I still feel drawn to the balcony and I stare a the space as though I might conjure the visage of the opinionated girl who became the woman I could not live without. Twice we stood there with the result being far less than we wanted. I want to take Charlotte to that balcony tonight, to pull her close and look down upon that dance floor knowing we have been able to overcome our challenges with love. I want to tell her this, again.

Having left sweet treats for the busy artists, I made my way to Trafalgar House only to find James pulling Mary up the street.  
“We are going to a pawty, Nunc Sid,” James said, breathlessly, “We canna stop!”

“With whom shall I leave this ever-so-lonely chocolate gorgon? Guess I will just eat him myself! I have been a good enough boy, why should I not have a treat?” I waved at him as though I was departing in the opposite direction.  
James halted. jerking Mary to a stop. He then let go of her hand as he walked back to me, looking as though he was trying desperately to think of a reason I might give the treat to him.  
“I go splitzburg wif Henry sometime, and if you like we might share?” he asked, hesitantly.  
His hopeful face disabled my willingness to tease and I handed over the treat as Mary said, “James, bite it, don’t try to swallow it whole.”  
I left him munching happily and thought how nice it would be if a chocolate gorgon could serve as a cure for Crowe. 

I found Crowe at the Emporium his head buried in a ledger. “Are you planning to attend the Ball tonight? Babers and I both hope you will come.”  
He mumbled that he might and then switched the discussion to the acquisition of saffron and the price of other spices from Madagascar. His desire to travel on behalf of our business was appreciated but I know it is founded in the need to be away on a voyage, possibly to escape the present.  
I simply lost my patience and I pounded the desk making him jump. He looked at me sharply.  
“Damn, Parker calm down! It is not cost prohibitive to travel as I will and I am sure I will discover other treasures for the households of Sandtion as I venture forth.”

“No, Crowe, right now I do not care if you travel to America or to the moon! I see you avoiding the future you said you wanted because of a misunderstanding from your past! I am more than furious with you that you will even not even address it!”

“Consider that I am right, after all the grief you shared with Babington, and then me, when we were suffering pains of the heart so intensely felt we were both miserable! Where is your droll response to this dilemma of your own creation? It is Christmas now, Francis Crowe, give yourself some grace!”

He walked out of the office, straight through the Emporium and onto the street. He needed to get away from me and cool off. I should not have waded into a morass so clearly none of my business. I know the transformative power of giving yourself to someone else. He wanted it. I thought my push would help. Clearly words are the wrong enticement.

Our plan was to leave the babies in the nursey of Trafalgar House with Bess, while we attended the Ball. We would not stay so late that we might not bundle them home but they would be close enough that we might check in on their welfare.

Lady Susan’s opulent carriage was crowded with Lady Denham, Charlotte, Dulcey and the babes and I walked to Sanditon House to ride to town with the Babingtons. Charles and Ruby were at fisticuffs over a stuffed elephant. There was a giraffe and a monkey, but neither would do to distract the children from the item neither wished to share. 

Although you are not twins, my tiny loves, I vow to buy two of things when we acquire toys of comfort! It appears to me that ‘sharing’ might apply to many things but a willingness to share the object of your heart’s desire is a lesson too complex for people so small. (Should Charlotte ever countermand my philosophy, I will point out my unwillingness to share her with any other adult on earth and perhaps sway her to my argument.)

The mayhem soon subsided. Charles and Ruby settled in their room for a story. We departed for the Ball and as the carriage rumbled down the drive Babington started to laugh! “Had you told me half a decade ago that our way to a Ball in Sanditon would be impeded on account of an elephant I might have called you daft and thought you drunk,” said he.

I laughed heartily and Esther reminded us we were both buffoons who had come to the first Ball in Sanditon promising Crowe some sport all those years ago and now we would pay for a lifetime! She rolled her eyes and then laughed unable to hide her regard for her husband and we arrived light-hearted and anticipating some fun.

Charlotte stood in the doorway with Mary, behind Lady Susan. When the music paused the voice rang out,  
‘Lady Worcester and Miss Dulcinea Fitz of Willingden High Tree’. Most announcements of attendees of a ball are ignored or politely acknowledged. On this night James Stringer led the gathered audience in enthusiastic applause both for Lady Susan and Dulcey. Dulcey smiled graciously and was immediately asked to dance a set of reels.  
How wise was James that he suggested applause for Lady Denham and she beamed with happiness until Tom rushed to her side and her face was decidedly contorted with a grimace.

Charlotte was resplendent swathed in green velvet the color of a forest at night. She took my breath away when I asked her to dance. The waltz began and the lull of the string instruments cast their spell upon us once again as she spoke volumes with her eyes. We twirled among the other dancers, oblivious of anything around us, but the night and each other.  
It is ever thus, my children! The world falls away and we are joined by our hands and our hearts as surely as cloth sewn together so well there is no discernible seam.

As it always does when your partner is enchanting, the dance set ended far too soon. We returned to Lady Susan and Lady Denham with refreshments for both and I saw Charlotte glance at the balcony above.  
Separate from each other, we found our way to the special perch that observed the dance floor. Charlotte smiled at me as I reached for her hands.

“I have such a dichotomy of memories from this place,” said she softly, “Something always seem to occur when we are here. Might we watch all enfold around us with a much improved state of mind this Christmas?”

“Absolutely,” I declared, “For this year has proven our resilience and the absolute limitless power of our regard for each other, my love!”  
The dancers whirled in a crush of smiles and silks and we were content to watch from our alcove as the world turned past beneath us as we leaned into each other.

Dulcey bowed gracefully before turning to leave her partner but before she could clear the middle of the floor, Crowe stepped forward to block her retreat. A break in the music allowed a hush to fall over the happy din as Crowe began to speak.

“I am punished by the knowledge that I did not seek a way to free you from your hellish home when we met a decade ago,” he said, as though he might choke on his words. 

Babington moved from his seat to the dance floor as I ran down the steps to join him. I looked up and caught Charlotte’s eye. The imperceptible shake of her head made me know she was, again, thinking of an interrupted time upon the balcony and I watched her turn away to come down the steps. 

“Honestly, I say to you Dulcey that I am a different man than the boy you met, and I hope I have learned from my years of trying to dull pain with drink and all the indulgences life could offer, that you are the refuge I was seeking all along. I had simply lost my way.”  
Both of her hands covered her heart and Dulcey blushed deeply as Crowe continued. His words were strong and loud and they were heard by all.  
Crowe dropped to one knee in front of her.  
“Dulcey Fitz would you do me the honor of sharing my adventure in life as we forge a new and happy experience of kindness and care for each other? Will you become my wife?”

Charlotte gripped my hand in a vice like grip as I watched Dulcey study his face as though seeing him for the first time. “Oh, dear god in heaven,” whispered Babers, “Crowe will be lost if she so publicly refuses him!”  
“Please, stand up, Francis.” said Dulcey softly. He stood as she said, “That you have known me so long must prove to you I have no secrets of my past life. No shame do I feel, for I was given a chance to grow beyond circumstance to become who I am. Who is it you love, Francis? The girl you could not save or the woman of hope you see before you?”

I would say, children, that every person in the Assembly Hall was holding their collective breath as he answered her firmly.  
“I will always honor the girl you were by behaving toward you with kindness and respect. I am in love with the woman you are, without doubt, enraptured with no reservation for all you will become.”

“Yes, Francis Crowe, it will be my honor to become your wife.”  
Only then did he take her hands in his, kissing the fingers of both before he looked up at the musicians and begged,  
“For heavens sake, man, have your band play! I am fresh out of words and the crowd needs other entertainment!”

Every person laughed and applauded. Lady Susan smiled at Charlotte, “Things are never boring in Sanditon, Charlotte!”  
“Oh, no,” said Lady Denham “and all respect for decorum and polite society seems to suffer more every time we hold a Ball!”  
“You are only distressed, Aunt,” said Esther, laughing, “because we all know you can not take credit for this happy romance and must chalk this one to the Parkers!”

“Yes, well, it was my Christmas tree under which a certain cricket ball was given so I’ll leave you to your assumptions!”

We left by the side door and walked to Trafalgar House without a word, Charlotte’s hand in the crook of my arm.

We gathered you both and began the trek toward Windswept, each of you children cloaked well against the chilled night air.

“A penny for your thoughts, Mrs Parker,” I said.  
Her prompt answer allowed me to see her mind was churning from all she had seen. “I think that of all the men, in all the world, I would never have paired Crowe with Dulcey before he stayed with us. I now can not fathom him with anyone else!”

“Mr Parker? I also think I would like to have my favorite Parker brother read to me tonight so I might close my eyes and imagine wherever your words may take me!”  
“Oh, wife how dull for such a winter night as tonight! It sounds as though you wish to hear me relay pages from the Atlas! I shall do better than that! Reverend Hankins gave me some poetry from the Bible in an ever strengthening effort to peak my interest and I have yet to read it!”  
“Oh, was it the Book of Psalms?” asked my curious wife.  
“No…It is a folio from ‘The Song of Solomon’ and I will be interested to see what you think.”  
I shall close this day with the hope that the next year brings you walking, and words and wonder and peace.

I might find an interest in unexpected poetry and I will be always interested in love.

Good Night.

Good night my children.


	22. Chapter 22

23 December

I read to Charlotte deep into the night. We sat by the fire, her head resting in my lap and I rolled curls from her beautiful hair through my fingers as I read verses from the folio Reverend Hankins gave me.  
I am curious why poetry about lovers was how Reverend Hankins thought to pull me into a conversation about the church. I believe Dr Fuchs might share books on surgery and medicinal herbs should a person express a deep interest in medicine.  
I will talk to the reverend about the deeper meaning of the verses, for I am sure that there is more to know, but I rather enjoyed reading to Charlotte about the shepherd and his lover relaying to each other so specifically what they admired in each other. When I woke this morning your mother had left a note beside me on my pillow and I dressed, reading the words again and again.

‘I have found the one whom my soul loves.’ It was my favorite line we read last night and it bears repeating,  
‘I have found the one whom my souls loves.’

Dear Little Ones, you are but months old, small, still helpless and yet so loved! I can not imagine a world without you in it and I must tell you now, you will hear it repeated again and again, that you find the one from whom your soul loves is the greatest miracle in life! I will hope every day that you find the ones who bloom in your hearts and in so doing will make you whole. It is a gift. Charlotte is my greatest, truest gift! The lover of my soul.

I find her in the dining room with Dulcey, discussing her wedding and cradling you each in her arms. As beautiful as she looked at the ball, this woman in her muslin dress and apron, her hair down around her shoulders and my children in her lap makes my stomach flip and my words dry in my throat.

“Good morning, Charlotte…Dulcey. I overslept and must hurry to town to meet a shipment of goods from London. I will try to be back before dark, but I must go…”  
“We will accompany you to the walk,” said Charlotte as she handed Grace to me. Ben was gurgling happily and we laughed at his joy in the discovery that he could make noise. You choose to study your family Grace, wide eyed and interested in your Papa and I loathe to leave you and Ben for even a moment.

“I got your note, Charlotte. My soul loves you and I will love you more each day.”  
She kissed me softly and it is all I can do to walk away from the three of you to start my day. I feel pride expand my chest as I walk away.

How great was my inclination to question Dulcey, but I know it is not my place to inquire. I will glean what I want to know from Crowe, and Babington will help me determine what he must know. I smiled to myself when I realized Crowe knows nothing of Dulcey's inheritance and his intent to work for her, to protect her and care for her, is based in his most sincere expression during his most public declaration at the Ball.  
I plan to drag him home for supper, knowing that we both will be glad of the company of the ladies this night.

The shipment of dry goods was completely unloaded when I arrived and I accepted the bill of lading before heading to my office.  
Crowe hailed me, “Parker, a word, if you do not mind!”  
I gestured to the chair opposite and tried to strengthen the rod in my spine that would help me sustain his expected verbal assault. I might well be deserving of his anger.

“You know I ran into Reverend Hankins before I came to the Ball!”  
“No, Crowe, I did not see him at the Ball, before or after.”  
“I was more than angry at you and Babers for giving me advice that seemed to totally discount who I was in order for me to offer myself to Dulcey. Who ever wants to put themselves in 'someone else’s control'? Who will then never seek to control another? At best I find this confusing, at worst I am lost in the efforts to be worthy of this woman I want to marry.”

“Reverend Hankins helped you sort this out, did he?”  
“He told me that you and Charlotte might express to me, and to Dulcey, all of the challenges life might offer. He said that you were an example, my friend, for me to follow in this journey. So I’m asking now, if you will but help me if I lose my way. If I start to drink my worry or run from my fears.”

His emotional request discomforted me and I looked at him for a moment before answering.  
“How exactly do you see yourself sorting this out, Crowe?”  
“Well, I have no intention of following you around like Barker Parker if that’s what you are worried about!” said he. “I have no example to follow and Dulcey is only positive of the type of man she can not tolerate.”

Reverend Hankins advised me to speak often to you, to ask questions and to seek a better understanding of myself every day, always putting Dulcey first.”  
“That sounds like profound advice! What is it you need me for?”  
"The Reverend said that since he married Mrs Griffiths they have watched how you treat your wife and although you have faced many challenges, some of which I know, you are a good man and he knows no one I should try to emulate more.”

The shock of the compliment resonated in my chest and I was amazed at how much the secondhand referral of Crowe to my care meant to me.

“Yes, and always. Any support that Charlotte and I can offer is yours…But do not expect all rosy answers or perfection in any form. Just never give up, never stop trying. It is how we get through every day. If the picture of my life as I was when I met Charlotte had been the man she decided was hard and unmalleable, I would have lost her. She stood up to my idiocy! She would not accept my brutish behavior but challenged me to reach into myself for a different, stronger man. I am naturally an arrogant sod! Left to my own devices, my relations with Charlotte would be in tatters twice daily! She has never given up, never wanting to put anything around my neck but the mantle of a man worthy of being loved.”

We were both a bit embarrassed and had probably spoken more about important things in that five minutes that we have ever talked in all the years we have been acquainted. I raised the newspaper to hide my discomfort and he thought of an errand he needed to perform and was gone.

They rest of the day we worked together repositioning displays, making notes and planning for the future. As the sun set, he accompanied me to Windswept where we joined the women for a simple evening meal, we played with our remarkable dog and held the two dearest children that the world has ever known.

Crowe and Dulcey plan to marry in February and honeymoon across Europe while they send home things for the Emporium. We talked about a trip to India and all evening long, Crowe did not look away from Dulcey for more than a moment. Crowe has found his peace.

The Jessups are moving into the carriage house on New Years Day and Charlotte and Dulcey have cleaned and moved and decorated until the carriage house is virtually brand new. How pleased am I to know our future may form a happy alliance in our cliff top abode.

The night grew late as Crowe kissed Dulcey’s hand before jauntily departing toward town. He walked with happiness in every step already moving quickly toward the man he wants to be. Dulcey took you babies away to your beds after allowing us the sweetest of cuddles.

I came to the library to write about today. To remind you both that how someone regards you may lock in on the most memorable events of your life, often those of which you will not be proud. And sometimes a person will allow you to become the better person you long to be. Who that person is may surprise you. You can always expect the best in someone to whom you try to give your best self, my children. 

Ben and Grace, there is so much we will learn together. As I sit in this candle lit room I wish for one more discussion with my own father who would help me remember all of the intrinsic things about being a child I have already forgotten. He would have loved you, my Little Ones, I just know it. 

Charlotte moves with softness to slide up under my arm and curl upon my lap and as she holds me close, so I say

Good night! Good night my Little Ones.

24 December  
Christmas Eve

‘A dinner with friends’ is what Charlotte called our gathering today. Tom and Mary and their family, Babers and Esther, and the twins, Alison and James, Lady Denham and Lady Worcester, Arthur and Diana, Crowe and Dulsey all welcomed Sara and Wells Jessup into our midst with the warm displays of kindness and with the ease of which the socially sure footed can offer grace to the discomfited.

Wells watched the older boys and never stepped out of line. Sara became Dulcey’s shadow and I watched Charlotte thank her for helping in such a kind way that Sara smiled as though given a prize.

Our rooms were decorated with greenery and candles and the children watched in awe as the house was transformed by their efforts.

When I could, I stood next to Lady Susan for her arms always held a babe. Grace, she held you until I took you from her and Lady Denham held Ben like a coveted trophy. To wrestle such fine Ladies for the right to hold my children must seem humorous, but I will check Lady Denham’s cloak when she departs to make sure she has left each you behind! They both grow more fond of each of you both by the hour!

Henry and Charlotte decided that charades might be a fine way to celebrate the evening after such a fine meal. Arthur chose to present Camelot and the children were all knights of the Round Table. Wells and Tom made an unlikely trio with Babington to reenact Robin Hood and in their hilarity crowned Esther as a formidable Maid Marion. Lady Susan pretended to be an opera performer. Lady Denham and Mary were pirates and their chairs were ships on which they tied an unsuspecting Sara. James rescued her with a great dramatic appeal and we all applauded as Diana walked the plank. Crowe was Romeo pretending Dulcey was his Juliet. Charlotte looked at me across the tumultuous room and her glance spoke of such love that my heart contracted in my chest to catch such a look from her. We did not act among the crowd but clapped and laughed with true appreciation, content to offer our haven as a place they might all play.

Charlotte thoroughly enjoyed the mayhem of the night. You babies slept through your first Christmas eve in the comfort of your cradles while we larger people who love you pulled out their inner children to drink in the spirit of the night. Frivolity ordered the day and we all reveled in it.

The stories we pretended this night become part of the stories of who we each are. We are part hero, a bit of legend, pirates and royalty and lovers. We were old and new friends, enmeshed in the laughter and promise of the season and we all took away our generous portion of joy.

Windswept is again quiet as all have disappeared into the surrounding winter night and I am here finishing the memory of the day.

Best wishes, my little ones. May the joy of this happy night color your slumber. I love you.

Good night.

Christmas Day  
25 December

The day began with a most beloved character study as I watched the early morning light diffuse across Charlotte’s face with shadows and grey from the morning. She sleeps with abandon and although I usually wake after I feel her stir, this day I relish the chance to breathe her in, to experience her visage stilled with peace.

A sudden high pitched protest from Grace awakened Charlotte and her feet hit the floor while her eyes were still opening. “I will get our girl, wife. Stay warm and I will bring in our babes!”  
I padded around until you both were fresh and wrapped. I brought you to our bed and gathered my family to me.

“Merry Christmas, Sidney,” Charlotte whispered as she kissed my cheek.  
“Is it Christmas?”  
“Do not tell me you forgot the date, my darling!” she chuckled. “A man of your age should appear to be less befuddled by the change of calendar or one might worry you are addled!”  
We teased and laughed and jostled you babes until your disagreeable noises bid us stop.

“I have not forgotten Christmas, my love. Happy Christmas, my dearest Charlotte!

"We will go to church and curl up by the fire and…read something!” she said happily. “You will be with us all day long and we will soak up our quiet home.”

“If that is, indeed, what you plan for our day, you best open your gift from me!”

Hand bound and with beveled edges, she took the wrappings off a small volume of William Wordsworth’s poems. One was most important to me and the pages had been water colored and hand lettered.  
“The world is too much with us” was beautifully presented and I was delighted for her to receive the words that comforted me a little when I was sure she might never be in my life. She read the words as I had imagined, her voice soft and sure. It ended with  
….  
“Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea:  
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.”

“How wonderfully wrought a poem is this!” she said and then she giggled “How like you to imagine yourself heralded by Triton as you rise like a Greek god from the sea! All in my life, worthy of art, poetry or prose began that day at the cove when I…”  
Before she could finish her sentence, I answered, "ambushed you among the rocks and shells as surely as a huntress corners her prey!”

I grinned at her. The memory from all those years ago still makes her blush and I enjoy the mometary power I experience from her reaction. It was then she saw the note.

‘To: Mrs Charlotte Parker, may your days be moments that fill your heart with comfort and joy. I wish you beauty and the promises of daffodils waving from a happy hill in Spring!”  
William Wordsworth 

“You are always thinking of me, Sidney! How dear must your efforts be to acquire such a gift! Thank you, Sidney.”

My gift from her was not wrapped in paper but contained all the thrills one might expect and we started our day each well pleased with the other.

We found ourselves folded into the pew with Lady Susan and I listened to Reverend Hankins as he extoled the need for all to capture the promises of the day, to live as Christmas people throughout the year, filled with hope and care for each other.

I shook his hand at the door and he looked me over speculatively. “Enjoy the ‘Song of Solomon’?” he  
queried.  
When I answered, “Yes, we did.” He was a bit taken aback before he wished us good day and moved on the greet other members of his parish. I am not sure he expected so resounding a 'we'.

Charlotte giggles beside me as we walk away and I grin to think I might have shaken his serious overtures to my religious education by suggesting we might have shared these words as well.

“Happy Christmas brother, Charlotte,” greets Arthur. “We were just discussing the welcome notion of Christmas tea!" He was standing between Dulcey and Crowe and was watching Diana try to fasten her glove.

“Tea would be delightful, King Arthur," said Charlotte with solemnity, “You better follow us home so we can rustle up some toast and other temptations before we blow away.”  
“Yes, we would be delighted,” he responded beckoning to all and we happily walked toward home as you babies quietly slept, unaware that the day was quickly conjuring up a party.

Lady Susan followed and the day waned with love and laughter, as every Christmas should.

Charlotte asked me if I had noted the quiet peace-filled Crowe. I had noticed his ready smile but I do not pay as much attention to the countenance of my friends as perhaps I should. That he is happy, is obvious to all who might wonder why his face has been transformed by recent events. This is enough for me.

As darkness fell, we found ourselves curled against each other in front of the library fire, content with our day, well pleased with each other and blessed beyond measure by the two of you, Grace and Ben.

A day that began with so much happiness has ended with increased joy for us all.  
We will go to sleep each wrapped in the other, deeply fulfilled.

Good night, my children, sweet sleep. 

Happy Christmas


	23. Chapter 23

26 December

The day started as it always does these lazy winter days. Ben, you, or Grace, have decided it is your job to protest the daylight that dares to seep on your window ledge. This tuberous beam of light tiptoes silently to make us all begin to rise and before this mischievous imp of day might fulfill its job of ending the night, you yell as though to frighten him.

Day comes anyway. You are both made dry and warm, and once fed, are happy to greet the day. I fancy it is too late, for the sprite heralding the daybreak will stay hidden until tomorrow when he will attempt to sneak up on you both again.

When a baby nurse is here, she anticipates your dislike of the dawn. Charlotte and I greet you arrayed for the challenges the morning might present. I have quite enjoyed Ann’s visit to York for the simple reason that Charlotte and I could end your fussing, supply you with your first kisses of these days of Christmas and marvel at the ways you each have grown over night. When Ann returns, as she will next week, she will find our habits undisciplined, at best, and silly most probably.

I refuse to be that Englishman more openly fond of his livestock than the people in his life. Charlotte hands me a baby, and the dimpled chin identifies you at once my Grace! She molds Ben against her heart and covering up beneath the blanket you both snuggle down for a moment of bliss in the nest we make in the covers.  
As much as I would like to declare that we both spring from our beds each morning I can only truthfully say that the appeal of this happy space of warmth and love parts with us reluctantly each morning. Here we are joined most completely and it feels to me I rush through each day until I can return here, in this space, where Charlotte is as far as a touch away and the challenges of the coming hours are held at bay.

Barker Parker was unintentionally shut in the hall. I had not meant to close the door upon him, but he began to whine and bark, unwilling to accept his exclusion from you, his little friends, now snug and warm between us.  
Dulcey knocked on our door seeking permission to let him in. We were covered to our chins and she came in when we beckoned, to bring a pot of tea, stoke the fire and let loose the hound who bounded to our bed and placed his front paws up while wagging his tail in greeting. His barks, your wails and Charlotte’s exclamation chased away the last of my hopes for a moment more of sanctuary.

As Dulcey closed the door I heard her quiet chuckle and I wonder how skewed her vision of her marriage will be because of her exposure to our household.

When I entered the Emporium later, the business was busy with people continuing to purchase gifts and necessities. Crowe and I agreed to a rather dull mood and we also had the singular thought that our arrival for luncheon at Windswept might be the course of renewal our day might require.

As we crested the cliff path, we passed a veritable parade of townspeople, led by Mary and Diana as they trek to the carriage house at Windswept. On a cart, being maneuvered by one of Stringer’s men, was a brass bedstead and a table with two chairs. There was a stack of accessories for a fireplace, including a kettle, a rug and a simple candelabra with a month’s supply of candles. A wheelbarrow full of linens and bedding and a box of staples for the pantry.

“Well met, Mary! Well met, Diana… what is all this?” I asked.  
“Yes,” said Crowe, “You all look like a band of merry gypsies moving your households to the cliff top to enjoy a better view!”

“Not quite,” she answered, smiling at Crowe, “but we have taken it upon ourselves to add to the new household of the Jessup’s! Alison has made curtains and I have gathered a few items that will add to their comfort. Things left to languish in our attics have now found new use and we will deliver these to the carriage house and then we will be on our separate ways, right Diana?”  
“Oh dear, sister, you are right! Sidney this mountain gets higher with every ascent!” said she, red faced and panting.

“Well,” said Crowe under his breath, “Tom no longer has to worry about cleaning out his attic… and it looks as though you might consider bringing in another family, so easily as this was done.”  
His sarcasm was always on point and I paused for a second, to wonder how we might be perceived by our neighbors. As two pushovers out to fix the world or two people just making sure that we just are doing what we can, when we can?  
“Do not worry,” he continued, “and don’t think about what any other person thinks.”  
How well my old friend reads me. Used to the ready answer of ‘not caring what anyone thinks’ that I find I do mind if Charlotte’s love for me will blind her to my fallible nature. As I watch Mary chatter with the other women as we amble I wonder what it is that makes her so accepting of Tom’s over enthusiastic response to the world. What is it that secures her unwillingness to challenge him to own the consequences of his never-ending gamble to risk so much of their welfare on his own ideas?

I walked with them up the steps to the carriage house apartment. It was clean and fresh, simple and practical. In under an hour the curtains were hung, the bed made and a bouquet of holly with greenery in a vase on the table.  
It was, undoubtably, better that anything I had imagined and far nicer than we initially provided. I was grateful for the efforts provided by our family and friends.

Dulcey offered a variety of cheeses, fresh bread and dried meats. Crowe and I enjoyed our meal with a robust wine he brought from Calais and I encouraged the women to go look at the Jessup’s abode so altered since our initial efforts.

“Do you think you and I might send some fireworks off the cliffs to entertain the town on New Year’s Eve ?” suggested Crowe. “None of those we have at the Emporium have been purchased and I thought we might use them to celebrate the holidays as well as your most successful venture.” 

“I think that’s a great idea, but though there are crates of the works that we might use, I have no idea what they require or what is involved in the lighting of them. I do know, we must avoid a fire because even with our exemplary insurance we would suffer the lost time of repairing any unintentional disaster.”  
“Just say it, Sidney! he laughed quietly, “Tom will not allow you to suffer any mishap without gladly trumpeting your fault. The fire on the terraces keeps him sharp eyed for any misstep you might make. It is how he is wired. He is competitive and proud and ready to allow Lady Denham to share the wealth of her censure, no matter how much he loves you as a brother.”  
I could not answer him, not because I agreed or disagreed with his assessment, but because it feels the whole situation weaves into the fabric of Eliza as she threaded through my past life. I choose to ban her from my life with totality. The thought of her makes me shudder, even now.

“Just make assure that there is no possibility of any sort of fire hazard and I will be satisfied to endorse this endeavor. Perhaps James Stringer might advise you on the building of a protective barrier that will keep the explosives person safe.”

“Leave the details to me, Parker. I will be in complete control.”

As I told Charlotte the plans for New Year’s Eve night she listened with rapt attention, only adding to the conversation an occasional murmur of assent.

“Perhaps we might invite Dr Fuchs for our celebration?” she asked quite seriously. I rolled my eyes, but now that I think upon it again, perhaps we should.

Comfortable silence engulfed our evening ad I read the newspaper as Charlotte writes a letter to her parents.  
Although I could not, and would not if I could, change one moment of our month of Christmas celebrations, I knew she missed her family and the days of traditions that formed the celebratory days of her growing up in Willingden. I thought of my own parents and how much they would have been treasured by Charlotte. How deeply you babes would have become embedded in their hearts! I allowed my self a bit of melancholy before going back to my pages. 

I glance over to watch Charlotte read through her booklet of Wordsworth. It is a wonder she did not fall for a writer so enamored with books is she. I wonder this aloud and she looks at me thoughtfully.

“Sidney I was never intended to fall in love with any other man but you! You are my destiny, my love!”  
I got up to kiss her for her sweet response when she added, “I never did meet a writer you know, so I just have to trust I made the right decision!”  
I kissed her anyway but I told her I would not forget her blatant disrespect. She is not threatened by my promised wrath at all! If her laughter reflects her heart, there will be many more cheeky comments awaiting me in the future. Probably it is a safe wager that I will, in some way, deserve them all. 

I unwrapped you tonight Ben to look at your feet. Soft and pink, they are a bit square and somewhat chunky. When you feet are freed from the binding wraps of swaddle, are always restless. These feet look as though they would run away with you on a great adventure if only your legs would cooperate. Barker Parker, replete with his comfortable life in our family snuffles and whines and runs across the cliffs as he sleeps. Is he chasing sea birds or practicing for the days you will join together to terrify your mother with your daring?

I must, of course, look over Grace. Charlotte joins me as we inspect your skinny little feet, the big toes of your feet stick up as though they might detach from your foot, as though they are inspecting the world before setting off to discover it. Charlotte believes you will both be tall and strong. I believe you may be the most handsome pair of babies I have ever seen, although admittedly my exposure is somewhat limited.  
Dark or fair, short or tall, fast or slow- I mind only that you are healthy. As long as you both are kind, as long as you will do your best, I will be most delighted with all else you become my children.

Crowe walks into the library with Babers on their way for a drink at the Crown. They laugh at my perfect contentment to stay home and I sacrifice a good bottle of port rather than walk out on a cold winter night down the hill toward town. They settle by the fire most happily, as I finish my review of the day. 

Charlotte took you both to bed and she and Dulcey are seen no more. The three of us discuss the great satisfaction that is found when the one you will love for a lifetime is known to you. We drink the bottle in record time and smiled, a lot, by my peaceful fire. Among the manly pursuits the three of us have enjoyed, this night was one of my favorites. That I might find my way through darkened house to your mother, soft and warm, makes their departure most bearable.

If you only have two friends, and they are as stalwart as are mine, yours will be a blessed life, indeed.

Good night, my Little Ones. Until tomorrow, when you will have grown, again.


	24. Chapter 24

28 December

There was blood; lots and lots of blood. Dulcey was cutting through bone attempting to section part of deer into venison steaks, when her had slipped. Babington and I heard Charlotte call out.

Any fear expressed by my wife causes me to freeze for just a moment when my heart stops completely and then hammers in my chest. We rushed to the kitchen to see charlotte wrapping a cloth around Dulcey’s hand as tightly as she might stand it.

“What happened, Charlotte? Dulcey did you slice a finger?”  
Dulcey’s ashen complexion reminded me that she might faint, as she had once before, and I caught her before she hit the floor. My catch did not prevent the edge of her head from bouncing on the table edge as she fell.  
Babington was horrified and I sent him for Dr Fuchs before I could lower Dulcey to the bench inside the kitchen door.

“Might you place your hand on her shoulder? She will revive with my smelling salts! I’ll be right back!”

Fleet of foot and in control, Charlotte was back in a flash with a fresh sheet and the small vial of salts.  
“Here she said, tear this sheeting into half. Take half and put it over the table in the library by the fire then tear the rest into bandages. Please come back quickly so that we may move her together! She may help us until the memory of what prompted all this fuss in the first place fills her mind and then, she may very well faint again…”

I tore strips and ran to the library where I stacked the books on the floor, far away from the table which I moved near the fire. I was desperately sorry Dulcey was hurt, but I will admit relief was creeping into the edges of my mind that we had the ability to help.  
I returned to the kitchen and simply lifted Dulcey into my arms to settle her where Charlotte instructed. I carried hot water from the kettle. Pour it into a clean bowl so it will cool as clean as is possible.  
Charlotte’s voice was clear and soft and she called Dulcey from the darkness of her faint.

“Dulcey could you hold your arm above your head? That is perfect! You have a mean bump on your forehead! You will be alright. Do not be afraid. We are here and all will be well.”

How is Charlotte so capable, so sure? Her movements were as sure as if she were pouring tea. She did not shrink from the unpleasant. She did not wait for someone else to make a different decision nor did she second guess her practical approach.

An interminable time seemed to pass as Charlotte supported Dulcey with the side of her body and braced her hand against her ‘patient’s’ arm. It was then that I returned to the kitchen to see what I might pick up or clean. The kitchen table was a total amalgamation of chaos and I wiped and scrubbed with diligence until the remnants of the juices from the venison were not in the accidental mess. I then took the knife quartered the part of the meat that might be saved and removed all else to a bin at the back of the house.  
At the front of the house, Babers returned with Dr Fuchs and I met them at the door.

“Please, let Charlotte tell you what happened,” said I, with a short cut to greeting.  
Babers poured a glass of brandy for Dulcey and then one for himself. “Is there anything I might do?”  
I recognize the desire to do something in Babers. I have that compunction myself. Knowing you want to take action is not the same as acting with the knowledge of what to do. 

Several cloths were placed in Dulcey’s lap to protect her dress beneath her apron and I took the spoiled apron away as Charlotte pulled me aside to ask about Crowe. “Please tell Babington to go inform Crowe, to let him know that Dulcey is fine and her cut will soon be sutured. By the time they return she will be in better control and less inclined to fall apart if his expression of panic is more than she can bear.” 

I did as I was instructed by my wife and Babington’s horse turned toward town with alacrity.  
It took 14 sutures to close the gash on Dulcey’s palm and 5 glasses of brandy (only 3 of which she drank at Charlotte’s urging. Babers and I polished off the other two). When the session with Fuchs was over, her hand as well as her head were plastered and clean.

By the time Crowe arrived, Charlotte had the kitchen even cleaner than my best efforts had accomplished. She was holding Grace and speaking softly to her as though moments before she was not watching a physician perform aid more familiar on battlefield.  
I put my arms around you both, kissing your downy head and the tawny curls that crown Charlotte’s face.

“How about you get Grace settled and I will ready a bath for you, Charlotte.”  
“Thank you, Sidney. I would love an afternoon spent floating in warmth.”

A measured dose of laudanum, coupled with the relief from the trauma of the day, meant that Dulcey would sleep for several hours and Crowe left to go back to the Emporium with a promise to return after work.

Why do I relay this morning into the history of the day? My darlings, I would have you know that your Mother could run a field hospital, or anything else, requiring a cool head and thinking under pressure. She sets aside her personal feelings to sacrifice herself for any situation in whatever way she might be needed. I am in awe of this selflessness for it is an unnatural reaction to me. Thank god she pulls me with her, and I follow, ever blessed to witness her in action.

A noise at the door makes me think that Babers or Crowe might have forgotten something. I am loud and enthusiastic when I see Ann standing on the entry to the house as she returns to care for you babies!  
So quickly was she appraised and took over the care of you, that her immediacy felt like a gift.  
The need for revitalization enabled me to move with increased energy when offered the chance to spend the afternoon treating Charlotte as the treasure she is to me.  
Our tub for two was utilized as it was intended and the two of us basked in the warm water together until there was nothing left but a light scent of lemon verbena in the air. We were relaxed and comfortable as we dressed for tea.

The evening brought an unexpected burst of company. Crowe returned to check on his true love and Mary climbed the hill again, bringing dinner from her kitchen and glad tidings from Alison and James. We settled Crowe in the guest room where he had started the month and did not castigate him when he pulled a wingback chair to the hall so that he might hear Dulcey if she stirred. Barker Parker slept at his feet in welcome. Babington and Esther came by on their walk, but they did not tarry and were soon on their way when Esther was satisfied that our efforts would suffice.

Our life here at Windswept is intentional. Our house was built from a simple design by James Stringer, perched near the path on which we first kissed. It is off the beaten track from town. We are often pleased with the fact that persons arriving on the doorstep are either invited and expected guests or lost, seeking another destination. All are welcome if their intents are benevolent. The rooms are large and sprawling and the house simply seems to expand as space is needed.

Charlotte explained to Ann that the Jessups would soon add to our numbers and she wanted Ann to know that her return to the household of Lord Babington would not be impeded. Ann expressed a genuine love for her tiny charges (You, dearest ones!) which endeared her to us both. We agreed that we hope our future will welcome her back at some point.

My darling little ones, I have learned a deep lesson, a truism really. Never congratulate yourselves on the assumption that the last crisis requiring your best reaction will somehow exempt you from the next event requiring diligence and fortitude. The ‘next time’ will come! When those winds of ferocity blow with such strength that all feels lost, it is then the inner reserve of hope and wisdom you store up which will compel you forward. Do not fear these certain tempests, for these are the measure of the persons you become and both of you will be up to any task that lands at your feet.

Tonight, I close with love, knowing your exposure to Charlotte, as your mother, will enable you both to grow up capable and strong. I am so eager to watch you grow and so gratified to have this undaunted woman as my wife.

Good Night.

30 December

Stringer’s men built a small platform surrounded by rock and far enough from Windswept that a dud or a wayward aerial shell would not cause harm to our dwelling. We made plans for you babies and your puppy pal to be ensconced at the back of the house where the echo of the noise would neither excite nor disturb you. 

The crates were carefully hauled up the hill and positioned where the viewing from the beach would be excellent and Tom had a banner hung across the street stating “The Parker Brothers Present: A New Year’s Extravaganza” and the people of Sanditon made plans to welcome the new year with excitement.

Sara and Wells heard of Dulcey’s temporary incapacity and came to help. While Dulcey sat in the kitchen they were her ready pupils learning all she could impart about the rhythm of our household. Charlotte walked with me to Sanditon House as we made our final holiday visit before the Babingtons would leave for London on the first day of the year.

Lady Susan pulled Charlotte away for a private moment and I sat in Lady Denham’s drawing room allowing a cup of rich black tea to warm my fingers.  
“So, Sidney Parker,” said Lady D with very little preamble, “I hear that juggling knives in your kitchen is now a required talent by all who enter your house.”

“No indeed, my Lady,” said I amused, “It was a fluke accident caused by a dull knife, I’ll wager, and one that has already been remedied by the smithy in town.”

She sipped before saying, “I thank you for including me in all of your family gatherings and I hope when Lady Susan takes her leave, I won’t be left forgotten, to languish in this chilly pile for the winter! Esther won’t return until after their new baby arrives and as much as I shall miss their company, Charles and Ruby might well swing from the candelabras if a way to reach up and catch them were made possible as the candles are lit! They are loud and gregarious and opinionated and I will bear their absence with…what is Esther’s word? Oh yes! Equanimity!”  
I leaned forward in my chair to capture her full attention. “Lady Denham we will welcome you to our home whenever the notion strikes you to venture out! There is no formality that would prevent our welcome of you at any time!”

“Oh, Charlotte,” she responded, “How pleased I am to accept your husband’s kind invitation to come to Windswept when the snowy days of winter steal my cheer! You might end up with a house guest for the month of January, you don’t know! I am sure you will need my advice as you settle the Jessups into the running of things!”  
“You will be most welcome,” said Charlotte without hesitation, “and we will expect you, whether you just threaten and tease, or make plans with certainty.”  
Lady Denham smiled and I fully expect her to travel the distance to Windswept whenever the urge might strike.

We shared the plans for the fireworks on the eve of the new year and assured both ladies they might watch with full clarity by looking out the back windows of the upstairs hall of Sanditon House.  
“I like that we will be safe and warm Susan,” said Lady Denham, “Should young Crowe blow the place up we will hear it without having to witness the mayhem.”

As we walked home Charlotte started to giggle. “What has caused your sudden mirth wife?” I questioned. 

“The thought that I might spend a lonely winter with my babies! I fully anticipate Lady Denham to come to stay and I expect she would even room with Barker Parker if it afforded her time by our fire with a baby on her lap!”  
“I do not doubt it,” I responded, “My, she is direct with her opinions! She only gets more adamant with age!” 

Esther expects Ann to return to London in February as she anticipates her confinement. Mother Heywood will return to Sanditon at the end of that month to be on hand for Alison and James. Crowe will marry Dulcey in February as well.  
If I did anticipate a few slow days of winter I should give up the thought and be happy with all life might bring to our doorstep.

I am prepared to fight, Ben! I will launch a protest, Grace! Any thought that I might have to compete for your time is not acceptable and all who wish to hold and spoil you must line up behind your determined Papa.

I can be a formidable adversary should I be required to be one!

Good night my dears. I love you.

31 December

The day dawned bright and clear with very little bluster. As unusual as this weather might be for this time of year, I accept it as a happy gift from Nature that the obstacles for an uneventful fireworks display might proceed without impediment.

The Jessups settled in, moving early by one day as they were most eager to be helpful to the household.  
Charlotte and Ann passed the library with each of you and came back into the room empty handed having passed you both to Crowe and Alison who had come with Stringer to inspect the final display for the evening’s entertainment. Was I really going to have to form a queue to kiss my babes? I left for the Emporium feeling a bit slighted.

I sat in the office, hearing the steady hum of the business I had planned with nothing more than Lady Susan’s urging, and it was a success. I made sure our accounts were reconciled before I pushed back my chair and placed my feet on the desk. There should be more to do, really, I thought. The realization that I was a bit bored, bowled me over. The thought that Crowe and Willis were handling most of the day to day decisions that had required my initial focus, and the thought that they were doing it very well without much input from me, added a layer of unexpected uneasiness to my mind.

I walked through the Emporium to purchase of few treats from the candy display and set out for Trafalgar House to see what my nieces and nephews were doing on this last day of the year. All met me kindly and accepted my small sweet offerings with appreciation. Mary poured me a cup of tea before ferreting Tom from his study. The hour spent was peaceful and without any incident of manic idealism that usually enters conversations with Tom. I was pleased with his careful thoughts about the new year and I departed feeling better. I would have stayed for a game of tops but my nephews were well into their competition and did not need my interference.

When I returned to the house Charlotte was pinning Sara into a dress, Ann was presiding over a nap for the two of you and Barker Parker was out on a romp with Wells.

I felt…I feel unwanted! I have never been at loose ends before! I slipped into the study where I write with every intention of coming back to this page today to describe the fireworks and assure you of my greatest regard, but I would like to hold you both without being shuffled into the background of your lives.

And so, I pause. I will find a book and choose to embrace this unaccustomed lack of activity with the acknowledgement that it may not soon reoccur. I hope not, any way! I am not a happy idle man without Charlotte near.

The hours this afternoon were very revealing. In giving myself over to the power of her greatest love, have I discounted myself and the other hopes of my heart? I have not had any other dreams than the realization of a family with Charlotte and a business in Sanditon; those dreams have all come true! I should rest, assured and happy, that all I can possibly want in this lifetime is mine.

***  
We stood with our arms entwined, in the cold and the dark, watching the brilliant colors explode over the beach as the fireworks were launched from the hill nearby. The booms of each resonated under our feet before we heard the echo off the rocks as the smell of sulfur rose through the night to assault our senses.  
When all was done we strolled back to the house without speaking. At last Charlotte stopped and looked at me “Sidney, I am sure the new year will bring us joy we could ever have imagined!” said she.  
“I too. Among the many things I am grateful for this night is that we did not need the assistance of the good Dr Fuchs this evening! An accident would have quite finished me! I am relieved that my fear of the unexpected is quite vanquished!”

Charlotte turned her head and wept. Her tears were deep and anguished.

“Oh my love? What did I say to cause you such anxiety? We are happy, aren’t we? You are happy are you not, dearest Charlotte?”  
Panic entered my chest as I anticipated her answer. We entered the house unsure, each of the other. I was ill with anxiety.  
Finally our coats were off and we were on the divan cuddled as we favor, by the fire.  
A quarter hour passed and then she spoke. “Sidney, you are the finest most excellent of fathers. You know I think so.”

But…. Why did I feel an exception coming?

“My dearest, we intended to be so careful! Lady Susan pulled me aside at Lady Denham’s dinner and again yesterday with the encouragement that I might seek the advice of the doctor.”  
“My dearest love, tell me now! You are not ill?!”  
“No, not ill. But Ben and Grace will soon no longer be the babies in this house.”  
“Of course they will!” declared I, obtuse and as stubborn as ever.

“Sidney, I am expecting again. I know we thought we might have trouble conceiving again, but I have felt no nausea and had no suspicion. Susan said she noticed a decided glow at Lady Denham's dinner and so close to the birth of Grace and the coming of Ben, I ignored her observation.”  
I gathered her to me, deeply thrilled and so very sure that my life’s joy was exceeded.  
“You must know that I am ecstatic, Charlotte!”  
And we sat by the fire and shared our happy tears.  
I can say, on the last moments of this year, that the promises of the days to come will raise you both in stature. Grace to the role of big sister and you Ben, to that of a knight of the Parker Realm to stand in a lifetime of protection for your younger siblings!  
“At least it isn’t twins!” I said, laughing at my own cleverness.  
The appraising look I caught from your mother stopped my heart.  
“Wait, wait…wait! Charlotte! Twins would mean four babies each under the age of two!”  
“Yes, my love. You once assured me you could juggle well. If Dr Fuchs is right and your math is correct we will have our hands full!”

My little ones, even though the new year is only an expectation of great joy, I can honestly say that the two of you have given me more blessings this year that I could have believed possible. Nothing will make me happier than watching my happy children grow. If you number among the myriad stars I will not mind, but your mom may grow a bit overwhelmed with this assessment.

Until next year, good night, Grace. Good night, Ben.


	25. Chapter 25

1 January 1822

This morning Babers and Esther came to say goodbye before departing for London. I held Charles and Ruby for the minute they allowed before wiggling from my arms like rabbits. They have grown far more surefooted since last summer and remain two of the most charming red headed imps we have ever known. In 6 quick months they moved from barely walking to toddlers with words and opinions. I could not help but wonder how you children will grow.

Babers watched me closely and I squirmed under his appraisal. Charlotte and I had chosen not to share our happy news until after James and Alison become parents. I did not expect that I was that transparent, but I did not put myself into a situation where he might privately corner me. 

This bright New Year’s Day holds the promise of good weather and if there is no rain, the trip to London should be a smooth one for Babers, Esther and the twins. I blush when I think about the word ‘twins’ for all the pleasure I feel as I think of twins of our own I am struck down with the fact that this time next year would give us the challenges of two sets of our own.

Crowe and Dulsey accepted the Babington’s congratulations, understanding that a baby due in early March would prevent their attending a wedding back here in Sanditon in February. Lady Susan had sent a thick letter to Charlotte with Esther and had departed much earlier in the day in her own carriage with her maid and a footman in attendance. 

As much as Susan, Lady Worcester, loved children and was tolerant of most, a carriage to London filled with toddlers would present hell in a wholly unimagined way and I know even she is not as patient as that!

At last Babers asked me for a piece of velum and I saw him scrawl a note, which he folded in half before handing it to me.  
“You will want to process this, privately,” he hissed, and I put it in the last page of my diary for later.

The middle part of our day was tea and babies. Charlotte placed you both in my arms as soon as I settled. I loved your soft cheeks and downy heads, your sweet puckered lips, and, Lord help me, those charming dimples! I drink you in happy to have you both against me, each held in the crook of different arms.  
The panic set in then. I am going to have to figure out how every little person in my life gets enough. Enough of love and toys and attention and all the things that little people do not always know they need but feel the loss of if it is missed.  
“Sidney,” said Charlotte, “the storm on your face is at best bleak and at worst, terribly sad! Of what are you thinking, my dearest?”  
She perched on the arm of my chair and leaned against me. I was reticent to open my mouth, so much easier do I find the expression of my thought in writing as I ponder your futures, little ones. Rather than her misunderstand my silence I tried to verbalize my thoughts.  
“I wonder if I pushed you, if you are ready for another child, much less two more! If anything happens to you I would simply give up living. Her head leaned against mine and I experience the essence that is Charlotte.  
“For all those months we tried and I reconciled myself to the fact that we might never have children and then, with Ben coming so amazingly and the birth of Grace, I thought I would stay the happiest of men. I am selfish! I want you! I never can be content until you and I turn each other inside out with want! I worry that I, that I may have tipped the scales of fate to bring on misery! Please Charlotte, promise me this will all be alright!”

“Excuse me, Sir, I thought I would take the babies, if the time is right,” said Ann from the doorway.  
I kissed you and she gathered you to her. Charlotte walked to the library door and closed it, firmly.  
“I cannot tell you not to worry, Sidney. I will not apologize for…for wanting you to desire me. I felt so cumbersome when I was pregnant and I am only now back in an approximation of my former shape and here I go again! You are ever so handsome and I fluctuate with such frequency I do not know myself!  
…What if I no longer appeal to you?”

She fell apart, beginning to cry again. I leapt up to take her in my arms. “What makes you think your shape, in any configuration, would ever be unappealing to me, my beloved? I looked at you once, on a cliffside walk with Mary and I know now that I loved you before I knew you! I have every proof that without you I would be utterly lost!”  
My hands are on either side of her face, we are but inches apart. Her hands come up to clasp my wrists, as I touch my forehead to hers. I kissed her with softness. Love and respect, and the promise of standing against the world, brush between us in familiar, exciting heat. I do not pull her in but when I looked at her so close to me, that adored face and mirror of my soul, I want to build any barrier that will keep out the cares of the world.  
“Thank you for saying so. I am going on to bed. Write for awhile if you like. I am eager to get my fears leashed and managed before we speak of this again. I need courage, that is all.”  
She left me then and the cloud of anxiety has returned to cover my life with such potential heartache that I am unable to find the words for a prayer of any kind.  
“Please…please keep her close.”  
No answers come in the quiet of night, and no divine message is scrawled upon my wall. I want an assurance that all will be well and I know as surely as I sit here, there are no guarantees. None, except human fallibility.

I reach for the leather diary Charlotte gave me for Christmas. When I ruffle the pages the smells I enjoy waft from the covers: of saddles and freshness, and the hint of rose on the note she included.  
I am almost out of pages and I look forward, my darling babes, of carrying your daily life forward.  
Perhaps it was the thought about notes and pages, but suddenly the missive from Babers crosses my mind. I reach for it hardly expecting the startling punch of the words in my chest:  
‘The magistrate has tracked down the Marquis de Wilmont. He could find nothing with which to charge him except the word of a dead man the Marquis supposedly employed. The Marquis, aka Stephen Faucher is married to a new wife. She was the former Eliza Campion. I thought you should know for I do not trust this coincidence! ---Until we meet again, Take care my friend,  
Babers’

I sat backed stunned! Eliza?! Why would that man -the collector- have been anyone attached to Eliza’s husband? Of what interest could they have in our babies or my business? Had it been just a successful effort to sow havoc into our lives? Perhaps the collector had been expendable, a pawn in a game to control my efforts by creating trouble!  
Tonight, I must stop this fear and uncontrollable anger, right now! After all these years how can Eliza rear her putrid head to poke into our private lives with so little effort at civility? How dare she! I will get to the bottom of this, my darling children.  
I will not share this unfortunate news with Charlotte now. She has too many cares and needs not another.

Tonight, I close with a platter of worries before me and no answer to quell the concern in my soul. We will get through this together, all of us.

Good night, my precious ones. I love you.  
Papa

-End of Volume One-


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